Collection of Journal Entries
Collection of Journal Entries
Bound, Gagged & Released!
Bound, Gagged & Released!
Monday, December 15th, 2019
It was crazy, there I was standing on my own damn bed standing every bit of 5’4”, 165 pounds yelling at my ex-boyfriend who was 6’3” and almost 300 pounds. It had all come to an end, after the most eye opening 14 months and 17 days. As he yelled “Go back to your ex-husband.” I was baffled all I could say was get the fuck out my place and do it fast, the nerve of him to stand in someone else’s home and talk trash to them was beyond me but I should of known then all respect had been lost. My sister and nephew walked in and were shocked both of us raising our voices and as he grabbed his suitcase to leave. Instead of heading out he came back from the front door to yell in my face chin to forehead. It was done for good now, this was his third trip to DC after breaking up with me in haste back in October here it was December 1st!
The past few weeks I’ve been meditating, reading, writing, doing yoga and even an Ebo Sacrifice to clear my path in an effort to get back to me and cleanse myself of any thing sent to harm or to create chaos in my life. This morning I plucked an 8 of Swords in the reverse position. This card is typically known to carry frustration with the feeling of being bound and gagged. On the positive side it carries the energy of self-limiting beliefs, inner critic, releasing negative thoughts, open to new perspectives. Also, when the number 8 is present it carries the energy of balance and harmony. Mostly balance between the material and immaterial worlds like realism on the spiritual plane, and on the material plane, focus and achievement producing results. When the reversed 8 of Swords appears, it means important steps and changes in your life are coming after having made some careful assessments. Like I may be im finally ready to move beyond my fears. So today I will take time to re-examine my past to reflect on incidents or traumas from the past which haven’t been fully dealt with and resolved. You can do this too, think back and see if there is something that you need to work through. You may find it and find yourself feeling a thousand pounds lighter once you work through it. I mean this relationship showed me every time I was triggered that a trauma was being uncovered so I can take a higher road, a different prospective and or response in order to break the cycle. For me it was being vulnerable and trusting a man.
Most of our parents raised us to suppress our emotions. They didn’t use those exact words, of course it came out like, “Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve,” “That’s on you”, ”Suck it up,” “Stop that crying” or “Just deal with it.” We probably spend out entire childhood and at least most of our adulthood finding out that this method doesn’t work. Suppression is not managing emotions at least for myself it only leads to a long list of emotional triggers that cause us to lash out in unpredictable ways on unsuspecting, innocent, and potentially loving people in our lives. So you see recognizing these triggers and changing our reactions is what’s key to releasing old and negative energy. This was a karmic lesson for me to accept the transition from one Pinnacle to the next in life which is usually prepared for approximately two years in advance. There for I will likely make some life-altering decisions in marriage, job or career change, or any number of major changes in my character. With this tarot card in concluding 2019 strongly felt change internally as well as externally is the transition from the first to the second Pinnacle. Although the Reversed 8 of Swords represent being bound and gagged either by my lifes choices or being publicly shamed by a hurt ex, the karma and lesson in it was to release!!!
On the 10's
On the 10's
Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
So, as I write this, I was inspired by the number 10 today. First, I saw 1001 which means: your guardian angels are telling you to focus on your personal development. You are ready to start something new or end an old pattern or cycle, and this is the best time to explore and improve other aspects of yourself.” Then 1010 which signifies your personal development. It is also about your spiritual enlightenment and awakening. It signals the time for blessings and abundance if you will open your heart and mind to receive them. The universe is always conveying messages from Spirit through the angel numbers. So, to quiet my mind I decided to myself, let me read a few verses out of the bible given how the past few weeks had been hellish to say the least. When I cracked open the bible, Nehemiah 9:30-37 opened and read; “30 Yet You were patient with them for many years, and Your Spirit admonished them through Your prophets, but they would not listen; so You gave them into the hands of the people of the land. 31 But in Your great compassion, you did not put an end to them; nor did You forsake them, for You are a gracious and compassionate God.”
I began to reflect on the drive in to work what Karma did I endure this past year/few month. Then I thought what could my Karmic Debt be? Then I thought what were the Karmic Lessons I needed to learn from since so much had gone wrong this year. So right away I investigated what my Karmic Lesson is. In order to do that look at the letters in your name that represent a part of you that is there, the letters missing from your name represent that which is not.
In short, my lesson is that of number 7, mastering vulnerability! The same can be said for my relationships. I recently wanted something but could not properly cultivate it due to my inability to be vulnerable. I focused on every other area of my life except vulnerability as it related to trauma and betrayal, gaslighting and isolation. Like how to remember myself and my truth (much like the number 1 in numerology), allowing openness and intimacy. I must learn to be soft without the tendency to hide, from anything including conflict, from pressure to make decisions others prefer, to trusting others and being seen by others. I need to work on developing trust with myself in order to become more discerning. I made a lot of trauma choices like sabotaging an otherwise healthy relationship because I could not believe he loved me was the root cause of its demise.
When the last three months of my relationship started to fail miserably I started to feel like my actions were warranted because I felt the hesitation in him. Old trauma wounds of betrayal surfaced, my defenses caused me to keep everyone at a distance, even friends, and relationships that do not truly feel whole and supportive due to the lack of vulnerability. My passive aggressive communication style left me resenting that he didn't contribute in the way I wanted him to. I began to grow resentful like in my last three consecutive relationships creating a source of mistrust for myself, not feeling confident in my own knowing and feeling disconnected from my intuition because I could sense the end but couldn't stop it. So, I am working on focusing solely on being morally whole and completely available for a companion/spouse. Now the thing about Karmic Lessons is that looking at the karmic lesson numbers and examine certain emotional, mental, and psychological traumas and how they can be worked through with compassion. This time I can say I got the lesson.
Thursday, January 2nd, 2020
I am feeling lucky as hell today as I considered what was on my heart to blog about and the number ‘7’ came to mind! Why, well because today is a ‘7’ day. '7' is the it is said to be the earth, .number of spiritual quests, secular professions, motivation toward goals with an energy and determination that is nothing short of zealotry. Errybody knows ‘7’ is a lucky number.
In Ancient Egypt, 12 was considered special and the Ancient Babylonians considered 60 the most meaningful number there was. These ancient civilizations based their mathematics and calendar around it that is why an hour has 60 minutes, and a minute 60 seconds. Now consider that there are 7 chakras, 7 days in a week, 7 colors in the rainbow, 7 Continents, 7 wonders of the ancient world including the human brain remembering up to but not more than seven items!
Today I woke up totally motivated and went running. Many of us hop (or crawl) out of bed and jump right in to the craziness of the day. During this mornings run I was able to listen to myself and what my soul is/has been yearning for. Going out in nature helped me ground myself which not only made me calm but motivated throughout the day can also lower pain levels, anxiety and depression according to "Scientists." What does that mean? That the Earth's negative potential can create a stable internal bioelectrical environment for normal function of all body systems. So, oscillations of the intensity of the Earth is important for setting the biological clocks regulating diurnal body rhythms, such as cortisol secretion.
I am grateful to myself for showing up day after day. IT’S hard balancing being a mom, friend, sister, aunt, cousin, employee, entrepreneur and manage to keep everything tidy and bills paid! I mean think about it, seems like we are struggling with time for ourselves. Like, I can recall telling family and friends. "Oh, I will be by" and never followed through. There are obvious symptoms to most of what we are experiencing, which lies in what stressors we allow to affect us, like acute stress, chronic stress and episodic stress which can be timed stress, anticipatory stress, situational stress and Encountered stress. So you see it's inevitable unless you align ones self.
The past 2 weeks I’ve gotten back in to my spirituality connected rituals by getting up DUMB early. This way, I have time to run, journal, do yoga, meditate and watch the sun rising. In order to have abundance in anything I needed to be back in harmony or balance with myself. So, with all things considered my message to you is to STOP WAITING AND TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE!
Mastering the Art of Waiting
Mastering the Art of Waiting
Wednesday, January 15th, 2020
Today I plucked the 2 of Pentacles which represents multiple priorities, time management, prioritization and of course adaptability. Ironically, this card was plucked given I’ve been feeling fed up with waiting. I mean is there an art to waiting? In the upright position, this card shows that I am doing an excellent job of balancing these different priorities, and I can pretty much take on whatever life throws at me. Even if I am freaking exhausted! There is a breaking point though between coping with these demands and losing control and boy is it thin! I am finding it difficult to wait for things to materialize in my life because waiting usually means worrying: Did I do enough? I wish I hadn't done that. Will it happen and if so when? Should or could I have done more? I can't believe I said that.
The ability to need to manage my time, energy and resources carefully without losing balance is important. I had to stop, meditate and think do I have enough time or am I in a rush. Is it worth my time and effort; does it yield a return or not? There’s a saying, “You don’t have to be busy to get things done.” Sometimes taking a break is the most productive thing I can do for myself when nothing is going as I feel it should be while rushing from one thing to the next, with little downtime in between. It’s tough because I’ve been striving for equilibrium in life more so for the last 10 years honestly and boy do, I struggle with my growing impatience and negative feelings. Feelings more so towards myself because of my growing impatience. Am I really the type of person who couldn’t just chill for another year of my life for a house, a better job, a loving relationship, a vacation or to simply just to be without obligation, without growing incomprehensibly frustrated?
Apparently, yes. Even worse it’s a club to which, increasingly, most of humanity belongs. I’ve spent enough time bouncing around social media to know that most people are bemoaning the lack of fulfillment in their lives while pursuing goals perceived to bring fulfillment. “Studies have shown that 32 percent of consumers abandon slow sites between one and five seconds,” and if that’s true for websites what does this mean for those who’ve exhausted patience and time towards the pursuit of a house, a better job, a loving relationship and a vacation? Those are pretty assed up statistics about our inability to wait for anything and just about humanity as a whole. Waiting is unfulfilling, pointless at times, useless and less valuable in an on-demand universe. The world is fast while becoming faster, faster, faster these days. That’s the current reality, and it’s not going anywhere. Leaving a page that isn’t loading isn’t a character fault; it’s smart and the same can be said for someone dragging their feet about you. In a world where you can get information everywhere and faster the only way to somewhat sanely get by is by pacing yourself. As you wait by doing things well and of value should makes people wanna stick around but the are you fulfilled or still waiting to feel fulfilled?
In short, I am remaining patient in the face of the universe despite wanting to run ahead of Spirit so many times. I’ve learned I can only be truly effective when I trust Spirit while waiting for answers. This life of mine makes me pause a lot and I often feel held-up by mundane things, people and situations so when life is hard, the time on hold is harder to swallow. Today my spirit was consumed with frustration thinking long and hard at my life overall. Just then I received a text from my Army buddy which was, 2nd Corinthians verses 5-7 which read “Walk by faith, not by sight.” The essence of faith is believing without seeing so, I will ground myself, meditate for direction and rest in the fact that by letting go of worry I will let go of all things that aren’t gravitating towards me while trusting that in time i'll eventually cultivate the peace, stability and predictability in life I aspire to have for peace of mind. So mote it be, ASE!
Here's a 5! Cool, i'll take the change!
Here's a 5! Cool, i'll take the change!
Monday, January 27th, 2020
OK so here I was per the usual waiting for inspiration for my next blog entry to fall on me like an anvil. I mean I could create a blog entry every day, but would it be quality, value, and would it be worth reading? Just then I stopped the prayer I’d been listening to at my desk through my ear buds this morning. My heart and mind were struck with conviction as he said you're leveling up, the pain that you've gone through is worth the beauty you're birthing! Bayyybee! When I tell you! (in my best comedic Monique Voice) The pain I endured was more pressure than a diamond and a crock-pot!
You see I needed reassurance that I am in fact full of light and that I am doing the right things to attract abundance in life, love, family, home and career. After speaking with other Light-workers like myself to check my chakras and perform readings for me as a precaution to double check myself I felt empowered, the information was on point. As a reader at times we get stalker cards or false reads or even worse we vibrate so low our aura field is susceptible to attack. I wanted to make sure I was making the right choices going forward since I’m not getting any younger. In short, sometimes its hard to see where the universe is taking you. I have kicked and screamed the entire time at times trying to control outcomes.
Today is a ‘5’ day, sewing the seeds of change today for a better tomorrow. Five carries the energy of change, adaptability, freedom-loving, romance, resourcefulness, whit, fun-loving, curiosity, flexibility and accommodation. Cease the day and embody the ‘5’. Eye know Eye will, today is a special date that will forever be etched in my mind as I relinquish things that no longer serve me like self-doubt, other people’s judgments and expectations! Popped my ear buds back in on 639 Hz....love and abundance frequency with God numbers! (devilishly grins while thinking....) Who can stop us?!
Karmic Bullshit & Doshic Balance
Karmic Bullshit & Doshic Balance
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Greetings everyone, of course I only blog when I have something to contribute with the New Moon in Taurus and let me tell you I have A LOT! However, you and I know it’s best to keep it simple to keep your audience’s attention! Now on with the order of business. So, of course I read tarot cards and as of the last full moon which bought about some changes that frankly caught me completely off guard in matters of the heart with my twin flame being on the fence with me and his Karmic it’s been rough. Since like most empaths I’m familiar with, are also going through cycles and rebirths therefor I’ve begun to go within to restore my spirit. Every day you make a choice to enter in to an energetic connection with everyone you meet or build a bond with which at times may result in "Tower Moments" as we say in tarot (represents pivotal moments where everything is falling apart. You might unexpectedly lose a job, or get dumped, or have a massive fall out with your family- something of this nature).
As a collectively with this last cycle ending Karma from the last eight years and this upcoming Taurus Moon we'll all be forced to address our wounds (like abandonment, emasculation, emotional neglect, being bullied, not being heard, being left) placing pressure on our third eye and crown charkas. Of course, I’m used to healing myself from every experience that I have gained wisdom and gray hairs ultimately going within. In going within I’m learning my triggers, what to eat for optimal mental heath performance as well as tapping in to more spiritual practices that allow me to develop a diverse set of healthy coping mechanisms as well as counteract mental and cellular damage related directly to stress. I chose to breakdown my Ayurvedic mind-body type and by that, I mean balancing my whole-body’s healing system. Do you know what Ayurvedic discipline would work best for you?
Usually when things are going on, I need to be made aware of I experience dreams that are often very insightful tying back to my natural Doshic constitution. Some of us have more Vata dreams and others more Pitta and others more Kapha but not dreaming at all obviously due to an imbalance going on within. With shedding low vibration energies and toxic relationships i've learned to take a step back and not take it so personal because some are lessons while others are distractions to shape your character and bring you to your life purpose and destiny. I am working on improving my sleep and over all systematic health as I lay the foundation for second year of my third Pinnacle of Life. With all karama or karmic ties cut we can deeply heal and refocus and embrace a new cycle of life and im ready to move! Yall ready!?
8 Querencia In Self-Love
8 Querencia In Self-Love
Tuesday. October 6, 2020
It’s been 5 months since I last posted, 5 being the number of changes coupled with this Covid-19 stuff. Things have definitely changed. I felt inspired to compose this blog entry titled 8 Querencia In Love. Now, let’s break this down….”8” represents domination, control, achievement, material success, justice, balance, cycles, karma and past lives and if turned sideways is the infinity symbol. The root word for querencia is ‘querer’ meaning to want and ‘quaerere’ to seek, gain, obtain, ask. Querencia actually means taking a defensive stand drawing from one's inner strength; where one feels at home being your most authentic self. I often find after relationships we are left transformed, in many ways by love as for me I grew stronger in my individuality. For years I’d felt stifled by jobs, bonds and relationships that killed my natural ability to be uniquely me.
Three days ago, as I was journaling I received a text from my bestie of 23 years. It was a song on Youtube by Freddy Jackson called Look Around. I noticed the song was posted 8 years ago with 88k views. The lyrics so melodic seemed to float on the current of weed and slightly stagnant air while smoking. These words resonated with me most, “Look around, baby, baby. Oh darling, baby. Love is a feeling you're looking for….” You see I am also guilty of such and through my experiences I've come to realize you don’t look for love, love comes to you, love can be a feeling experienced in the moment but also...love is an emotion manifested by acts of love and felt in that moment.
Human psyche and behavior dictate disingenuous forms of love through learned behavior that lead to expectations which if we simply accept that we are infinite individual energies, having a human experience, connecting with one another we’d be able to accept love more freely. In reflecting only once the veil of inadequacy, self-talk is removed its then that we can maturely begin to break down those guarded walls of disappointment so we are not attached to outcomes or the physical (human manifestation) because we are incarnated energy. energy that will experience other energies over many life times.
You see i've had ex-s through out my life try to reconnect after feeling I was a missed opportunity. In this universe there is never a missed opportunity because we are infinite and will experience many lovers, soul connections and ties throughout our many earthly incarnations. Since I’ve had to revisit this lesson in love during this incarnation it’s safe to say I got the lesson. Finally, Angel Number 888 is Self-love which is resolute, is you can understand it you will be blessed with spiritual abundance. Just like the infinity symbol I am forever and to love myself unique quirks and all, to stand for who I am and embrace self-love regardless of whether people come and go. Besides I'm irreplaceable :)
Routine Serendipity...yes please!
Routine Serendipity...yes please!
Wednesday. November 25, 2020
I don’t blog as I constantly reiterate in my blog entry openings and as I am typing this, I’m listening to my Pisces sister Jhene Aiko belt out angelic tunes singing, “While we’re young.” This song sounds like music to my soul its serendipitous feeling is definitely a vibe. In the song she says, “think we should do something crazy, like say Fuck everyone and just run away from the daily routine, yeah you know what I mean.” Basically, I have always lived my life through rose colored lenses having a child like quality, humbly enjoying everything as if it were for the first time and often making heart over-head decisions. In life there’s always going to be obligations and experiences that at times are devastating to the point we forget that we are masters of our own fate. Most people can not tap into this type of self-loving, free energy!
There’s a phenomenon happening in the world to date literally. I know you or someone you know has awakened (having self-realizations, authentic glimpses of reality and others self-serving reality). An increase in their vibrational frequency has occurs bringing them in to alignment of the pure white light of higher vibrational frequency. By this I mean that people seem to be having moments where they awaken out of their familiar senses of self, and out of their familiar senses of what the world is, into a much greater reality far beyond anything they knew existed. I enjoy awakening others along my journey with the gift of clairvoyance and psychic alignment. Psychics naturally have a higher vibrational energy, and this is how I was born communicating spirit's energy at a higher frequency than most humans. In terms of heavenly/angelic energy as a medium we are the same, or at least a close to the frequency of theirs. One of the many ways I’ve been able to keep my innerG (energy) fresh and authentic is by allowing myself to just be without observation or self-criticism.
The experiences of awakening differ from person to person but when God wants your attention or to grow spiritually, he will send signs boo. I personally have you gone through experiences that forced me to spiritually grow and emotionally mature. Then I began to notice the whole sense of “self” disappear as I suffered an “Ego death” and I began to appreciate even more the little things, the special people and places that mean more in life in as simple a form as possible. For me my readiness to rage over an injustice seemed unnecessary because it is at this point that I realized I am commanding the room and everything in the presence of my life. Finally, I was able to let go and live just as free as a child as I’d ever had which was invigorating. I was able to accept that expectations led to disappointments and that everything is so uncertain I had to detach myself. It as here that I returned to the Deborah I was before society and critics tried to kill me with criticism that turned in to negative self-talk. To be free of burdens and not wanting for anything attracted everything and this was my new pursuit of happiness and I hope that by reading this you will begin pursuing yours. You may encounter many defeats, but it will only develop courage and the desire for positive change.
Realignment & Revaluation
Realignment & Revaluation
Wednesday. November 24th, 2021
Man would you just look at that my last entry was on November 25th, almost a whole year! With just 38 days left until the year 2022. Just when you think everything is going fine in your life…obstacles pop up to ruin things…Maybe it’s a friend you caught on to or your boss being a turd, or ya stale ass family on some bullshit or random bills occur (with zero idea where it came from, how or even why you’re paying it). Then there’s the friend or special person that just starts acting entitled or weird…annoying right?!
Exhausting af! Life feels like an obstacle course — one challenge after another! I always heard what I’d called hippies, wealthy people, oblivious people and overly religious say, “It didn’t have to be so difficult” so confidently. Let me tell you, it really doesn’t HAVE to be unnecessarily difficult. You don’t have to be all in your head in order to avoid all the obstacles, you need to be prepared so you are READY to tackle any issues head on. Most people don't need a road map because they do what is told, expected or projected on to them. Is this you? (In my best Nigerian voice imitation.)
Observing yourself is the key to your future, by knowing what you’re getting yourself in to before you invest. People have their own identity like a brand, a charisma, and a light capable of inspiring others. Created through a process in which they've learned to accept themselves, with their virtues and defects. They're clear on their priorities and how to achieve their goals in life.
I get the biggest kick out of being my authentic self since, especially around the self touting arrogant because I don’t understand how one cannot be them self naturally; I was born often rejected because if it. My divine gift is to help you to recognize that your soul has great power to instantly transform aspects of your life including the body, because the soul is the very energy that sets your atoms, and therefore your cells, in motion.
When you are out of alignment with your soul path, you experience pain in various forms (remember those obstacles I was rapping to you about back in paragraph 1). This is your soul trying to get you to shift and come into harmony or back into harmony for some (backsliders what they called it in church but since im spiritual and not religious we’ll say you wildin’. Not to say that you will experience a pain-free life when you live completely from your soul (keeping in mind and practice universal laws). As life passes we experience the loss of people and pets we love, creating tears within the body that must be experienced as grief in order for us to move forward. Everyone knows grief or pain makes you grow/mature.
Other than grief, living from your soul perspective there are few things in life that cause either illness or pain. Having pain, illness, or a sense of being lost, exposes you being out of proper alignment because your body is clearing a pattern. Once you shift back into harmony with your soul, amazing and miraculous things will start to happen. You’ll even attract what’s divinely yours!
Monday, December 20th, 2021 Venus goes into retrograde and winter solstice happens on Tuesday, December 21, 2021!
Save Yourself Black Man
Save Yourself Black Man
Tuesday. November 8th, 2022
Soon to be the year 2023 with just 54 days left I felt inclined to address, “Our Black Men” to touch on one of Queen Afua’s latest IG posts in her life's passion of health and wellness for Women. Let’s first start by saying this isn’t an attack on Black Men however, I MUST address everything that has been going on energetically, mentally and physically in our communities. As I sip my coffee and scroll on my laptop and cell phone, I’m slack jawed at the news articles and headlines lately when it comes to our Black Men. With headlines that read “Officer indicted for 2nd Degree Rape”, “Man Accused of Firing Gun At School”, “Man Fires Shots During Road Rage At Woman”, “Father killed His Three Children, a Woman & Himself”, “Man Kills Ex-girlfriend & Her Family In Maryland, Then Kills Himself; 5 dead!”, “Man kills homosexual partner due to fear of exposure” and “Woman Killed After Threatening to Out DL Men on Facebook”, “Man Rapes Paralyzed Elderly Woman For Hours”, “Man involved in foster care programs arrested for child sex crimes” and “A 4 Year Old, 14 Year Old & 15 Year Old shot in DC in less than 30 days recently by….you guessed it….a BLACK MALE!
If you'll notice all the young, up and coming Rappers, they're all in tight clothes, rocking mid drift tops, heels, platforms, dual gendered attire, wigs, weave and nail polish. Then there's all the gay rappers telling women how to get and keep a man or to be hypersexual women, gay stylist setting the industry beauty standards with overtones reminiscent of drag queens and willingness to be a sneaky link to perceived "taken heterosexual" males.
One must wonder what’s with the uptick in this of crime, violence and effeminate over tones within the Black Males of Our Community?! For starters statistically speaking poverty, unemployment, and income inequality is a recipe for increased crime but let’s unpack the root cause beyond the surface level. Statistically speaking “Black” Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious psychological distress than our counter parts. Then add to the fact that males are taught to be womanizers, stoic, tough and self-reliant. Now factor in; the lack of access to mental health care, the ability to afford mental health care, the biasness in healthcare, ongoing or daily “Crisis”, transportation issues or financial means and being ostracized or judged in the community makes them less likely to seek treatment.
Well, in my twenties I was so caught up in the hype of “The System” and “White Supremacy” theory before shifting perspectives to the whole “Equity”, “Anti-Police Narrative” and their inability to examination themselves as sign of weakness? After a few relationships and entanglements of the same experience, I began to wonder…what is the actual threat to the Male and how do we save our own from the effects their mental health. The top three mental health issues by order affecting the Black Male are Anxiety, Depression and Bipolar Disorder which I believe are in order of progression like stages of terminal illness. If you have one of the mental health issues above left untreated will progress to the latter. The leading causes of death are listed statistically in order as, Accidental Death, Suicide, Homicide, Heart Disease and Cancer when it comes to the Black Male but no mention of mental health.
Looking back at my life I certainly feel exposure to trauma, whether through witnessing or direct victimization as a daily reality also effects Black Males. Without positive Male Role Models or Balanced, Nurturing Females a lack of emotional coping skills develops into learned behaviors and social acceptance often immolating the very direct victimization they’ve experienced and often haven’t healed from. These behaviors can be one or a combination of the following.
a) Promiscuous so they’re praised by other males or for financial and social gain.
b) Hyper Masculinity, where heterosexuality is the unalterable norm since gender roles are taught and homosexuality is thought to be less masculine
c) Being violent not solely due to testosterone as per science but also male instigated violence and the need to be act aggressive and violent to prove their masculinity or “Manly Identity”
d) Being dominant by being preoccupied with power to the point that it causes harm to others, such as verbal, physical, online bullying and other criminal behaviors.
e) Sexual aggression towards women like making unwanted sexual comments or sexist jokes to women, committing sexual harassment even rape and behave as if they are entitled to women’s bodies.
f) Not being a feminist ally by taking up for males when they’re wrong and view women as less than.
g) Drug addiction for mental, emotional and physically medicating as escapism.
h) Poverty mind set, greedy and unsatisfied suffering from a “Lack” Mentality.
i) Effeminate behavior One study found that over a quarter of men thought they should have the final word in relationships, try to compete or out do their partners or females in their life.
j) Homosexual behavior which can have many contributing factors with the most dangerous one being disease and personality identity disorders. SN: I would need to start an entire new post, so I’ll leave it at that.
The societal norm in our Nation seems to champion the “Fraternal Birth Order Effect.” Essentially, the more brothers a male has, the more likely he is to be gay. Ever noticed large families typically have a lot of incestuous behaviors statistically. Now ponder this, a lot of social models can be considered a “Non-Fraternal Social Order Effect” …ya see that? You like the way I reworded that huh? Follow me though for example, Fraternities, Incarcerated men, the Masons, the Boy Scouts, Sports Teams, Gangs, and Male Dominant Religious Sects like Priesthood…? Then there’s the song, “This Is a Man’s World.” You must wonder why, in short men are like pack animals in my opinion and over the last decade male sexual fluidity has increase 15%. In order to save yourselves Black Men, healing is needed to cultivate environments from a young age for yourself and other young men that fosters healthy emotional expression, exposure to cultural and religious diversity, healthy dieting, nurturing, psychological counseling, finance management, fostering home environments that are less hostile, a balanced male and female mentorship. If you are a Black Man and want to assist in “Saving The Black Man” you can start by acknowledging your own issues, stop faking for once and keep it a buck!
I have been personally victimized by all that i've mentioned directly and indirectly. I feel we all have a moral responsibility to speak up about acts in poor mental health, poor judgement, bad decisions, negative and violent behaviors and such is needed within the Community and in our Family dynamics. "Hurt people hurt people" and many deceive themselves by denying this within themselves. Although I’m more spiritual than religious I read the bible religiously lol! I love when the bible stated, “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore, be zealous and repent” Deuteronomy 8:5. I believe that is we start with the youngest we can build a new future because it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Don't believe me just ask all the women who married a man and was unsuccessful at changing him! Fellas it's time to step it up!
1 Corinthians 13:11 reads, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Translation: You are responsible for your own healing and self-educating to heal your traumas as you mature not harbor it and take it out on others. I also believe in rehabilitative health in that one must acknowledge they need help therefor having a proactive community and support group that encourages treatment and accountability would be a necessity in healing our current adolescent and adult males.
If you’ve successfully managed to read this entire blog beyond the average 8 second human attention span then this is the sign your ancestors want you to, “DO THE WORK.” You have a moral responsibility to yourself and those around you to lead by example and not by perfection but by being real. The success of our men, children, women and race as a whole...depends on being intentional with your actions because it all depends on your choices! Thank you for coming to my TED talk!
Wednesday. November 9th, 2022
So dig it, I just so happened to be on a professional social network following this awesome Negotiator and Best-Selling Author. First let me brag that he is Black American, highly educated and an active father to his son! Any who, he said that he’d once interviewed a former FBI Agent and Body Language Expert on negotiating anything. He stated he'd asked him, “What were some of the thing’s negotiators in the business world often overlook?” One guy responded, “Walking Away Completely.” The agent’s response was, “They overlook the fact that everything has an impact.” After reading that statement I realized I had an ah hah moment!
For the last 13 years I’ve been doing “The Work” as some would call it, self-improving, honing my skillsets, hobbying and pushing out creative content but without direction and often infrequently. I hadn’t made the connection that communicating with intent was necessarily a good thing at least not in the sense that the guy was referring to. I’d practically missed opportunities because I wasn’t proactive or intentional in my communication. Mind you, i've took a Business Communications Course. In the Author's post he said, "Every word, every email, every gesture and every element of communication should be done with the purpose of advancing your goals." If you don’t move with that level of intention, the things you care about in the negotiation, you'll end up losing. As in losing your site of your vision and the ability to keep your passion or missing your starting point.
Over the years I’d witnessed the men i dated, foster siblings, relatives and Co-Workers. So many around me used me and my connections and others around them to socially climb the ladder at the expense of others in “Crab City” to penetrating social groups to leverage social and economic status as a LIFE GOAL. As I matured in life, I vowed to never be THAT thirsty for opportunities. In fact, I am an old soul that craves authenticity and genuine connections. Instead of choosing to do as they have by adopting a sycophant mental and putting on a façade or to keep up with the Jones's. Their behavior came off as opportunistic.
I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I’ve always had my own motion and didn’t need to hang around anyone to feel relevant or affluent. I also am self-educated, motivated and supported so I worked hard without favors and handouts of any kind, except for the sweat of my brow. Then I heard the same message of intention and consistency reiterated through Al Sharpton’s, “Morning Thoughts After Pre-Dawn.” He also stated that in order to be heard and carry out my purpose, I needed to own and master the level which I am currently. So going forward I will be more intentional with my actions, commitments, communication and more importantly socializing in order to build my brand and follow my passion of being a “Healer” and “Seer.” After 13 years it’s imperative to make connections to allow business networking and negotiations and stop being so introverted.
One of the things I mentioned on the gentleman’s post who posed the question, “What were some of the thing’s negotiators in the business world often overlook?” To which I responded, “Your posts really intrigue me. As a “Seer” I’ve come to experience and witnessed what I relate as the “double-blind” effect in which all parties are blinded. Sometimes the universe will withhold the prevailing, elevation, answers or even allow failure needed until you’re ready, yoked, disciplined or evolved. In life there’s always a certain level of unpredictability.” His response was, "This is a great point, Deborah! This is quite fascinating when it happens, isn’t it?" It reminds me of the concept of the “Fog of War.” Where all parties that are in the conflict are overwhelmed to the point where they lose their situational awareness. I'd had another "AH-HA" moment that I realized one reason i was held back was because I had evil intentioned individuals around sabotaging me out of jealousy which had become a "Fog of War" keeping me stagnant.
In short, always look at all variables present and trust your gut assuming blindly the Pros and Cons of what may not be obvious and trust your gut and not underestimate unknown or the element of surprise and the act of intention good or bad. Where are you lacking intention?
The Psycho”sis” Unmasking
The Psycho”sis” Unmasking
Sunday. November 13th, 2022
Bihhhhh, I was headed to the best part of my life at 34 years old. Female Collective!! Honey, let me tell you something (eyes squinting in my Nene Leakes voice)! Fast forward five years later, I nun went through a spiritual upgrade after leaving one job for another, attempted two unsuccessful relationships, buried my biological mom and was betrayed by the females around me. I remember feeling some kind of way when my “cousins,” “siblings,” comrades and a “self-professed BFF would make statements like, “I wish I was your size,” “I wish I had a house too,” “How did you get that,” and “Why can’t I find someone like him." PAUSE!!! I've heard the highest form of flattery is imitation, but it’s only flattery if the person isn’t trying to outright steal your identity or undermine your status or confidence. Not every person who copies you is flattering in fact its far from it. Some of them actually want to be YOU and even hurt you in the process. (Ie: if someone copies you so much that it feels as though they’re constantly leeching off your individualism and ideas, for example.) What part of the game is this?
2022 was the biggest “UNMASKING” of the females around me than I could have ever imagined. They were out here behaving like Hedy in Single White Female. Have you ever had a female associate that fished for compliments? Never seemed to be happy themselves and were irritated by others happiness and blessings. Craved being the center of attention and to be sexually desired by all men or put other women down while comparing themselves. What about age discrimination and backbiting by older female comrades and female relatives, backhanded compliments? I personally experienced all of thee above plus body shaming, gang stalking, defaming my character, theft, foster siblings disrespecting my boundaries to stay away from my kids and trying to influence them, creating false narratives about me, lying on me, revenge porn, voyeuring, paying online Babalawo for dark magic, inboxed all my followers, stalked all my social media platforms and any comments I posted on IG or my professional page to include a psychotic obsession to be me. Stole my I.D., opened bank accounts, got food stamps in my name, hacked my email and unemployment online account, copied my fashion choices, mannerisms and my spiritual teachings to include Angel Numbers and Tarot Card Reading. To the point where I knew these behaviors were deep-rooted Mental Illness. I must say this, in my 39 years I’ve never wanted to be someone else. I’ve always had my own motion and didn’t need to hang around anyone to feel relevant or affluent.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), for a person to be diagnosed with NPD, they must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement
Exploitation of others
A lack of empathy
Envy of others
I was around mentally unwell people for years! These women were used to not having enough money, not experiencing enough attention and love, not having enough status in life and not possessing the skills or requisites to achieve at a certain level. Which is why since a child I knew I as different and felt more connected to people, animals, nature, the universe and God. My senses were on 1000 unlike my peers and I cared more about eating habits, environment, educating myself, my health, went to bat over injustices to the innocent, poor, elderly, disabled and my loved ones which I still do til this day. As I have gone through levels of spiritual enlightenment since my initial journey began in September 2012. By September 2016, I became demonstrative in my spiritual disciplines, and I began to distance myself from people that were emotional dumpers or projectionist, attention seekers, gossips, addicted to alcohol or anything that lead me back to self-destructive behaviors, bad memories and making impulsive decisions. My spirit became so calm I was able to hear God’s voice clearer than I had before and much was revealed, like 39 years of being mistreated and sabotaged behind my back by my foster sisters who are really my second cousin on my Mother’s side and their first cousins who I grew up around.
Since experiencing all this, I became thee most comfortable in my skin as I’d ever been before and I spent time reading, meditating and enjoying my children and my quirky hobbies. A few times a year I’d have small get togethers at my home where I’d host a female associates met throughout my life and a few relatives or distant cousins. Every event I cooked and decorated before hosting and I often posted pics of myself at work, my children or fun outings. It was at this time I realized these women rarely liked my posts, were committed to watching my IG & FB Stories and just like the meme says, “They don't like me but they watch my every move” couldn’t be truer. This really sucked because I’d just started to become comfortable about three years ago to allow people around me more, opening my home up to a select few I thought I had a level of trust in…. looking back Trust has no levels either you do or ya don't!
By shedding light on these toxic individuals' mental health issues and disorders that's been left undiagnosed or treated for years I realized 1 thing. My light irritated their demons; I was too independent, outspoken, confident, positive, ambitious, healed and strong to where I triggered them personally. Even worse the older women I’d respected in the family were jealous of my independence and youthful appearance and spoke condescendingly towards me despite being church goers. What’s worse was that these types of energies came in all ages, shapes, sizes and colors like…I real live had been victimized leading me to an epiphany! Many would confide in me as a means of entertainment with exaggerated stories about others, their sexual conquests and even asked me questions to mock the covert betrayals that was going on in real time behind my back. What motivated these women to be such toxic, conniving, forked tongued women? Even at my lowest my mind couldn’t conceive acting in such a way.
I began to consider just how divided and wicked women can be towards one another and for no reason other than their own insecurities, unhealed traumas and the need to be praised and accepted by others. Since introducing these women to one another and inviting them to my home events over the years they maintained a bond through Facebook and Instagram where they could triangulate me and create narratives in the hopes that no one would find me interesting, desirable or honest. Around July of 2021, I went from 150 Facebook friends to a flood of over 500 requests for my Friend List. I accepted them all and invited them to follow my spiritual business page then immediately deleted them from my personal Facebook page. What seemed strange to me was the way these men threw themselves at me after while it became obvious i was being set up in some way.
Many of these women displayed jealous, somatic, grandiose and persecutory behaviors which is consistent in bouts of delusion leading to Psychosis! Induced by alcohol, drug abuse and isolation they’d often experience psychotic breaks which include a lack of empathy, manipulation and disregard of consequences for their actions. Psychology states “Feeling” Jealous or Envious triggers the same brain receptors that induce pain and can lead to feelings of anxiety and worthlessness and even acts of verbal and physical abuse. It’s not just the person feeling jealous whose psyche is damaged it’s the person who is the object of jealousy and envy. According to N.I.H., envy is associative of Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is dangerous if left untreated may lead to harm or wishing the subject of extreme jealousy harm. Hopefully this article reaches some of these Psycho"SIS" and encourages them to seek help!
As for the Sista's that are positive and influential continue to shine your light and raise your young women to be esteemed and learn to accept that happiness is a mental choice; another's happiness has no impediment on their own. HELP HEAL OUR WOMEN! Grant these women the mental help needed to stop the division amongst us.
The Case of the “MESS”sogynist
The Case of the “MESS”sogynist
Wednesday. November 23rd, 2022
What is a misogynist: a person who hates or discriminates against women. The top characteristics of a misogynist are; competitive attitude against women, abuse and reification of women, irregular treatment and discrimination, boasting in female misery, sexual aggression, degradation of the social status of women, psychological manipulation and power positioning. Over the last decade misogynists have taken the forefront from our political leaders to municipal leaders, to spouses, relatives and siblings. The actions and inactions of the Male Pillars in our lives and their treatment towards women whether directly or indirectly negative due to degradation and abhorrence of women is broadly socially accepted.
What causes a misogynistic attitude? Psychologically and statistically speaking an unconscious hatred in men toward females form early in life, often because of a trauma involving a female figure they trusted like an abusive or negligent mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, or girlfriend which seeds their brain’s subcortical matter. The danger of internalized misogyny is one's inability to accept themselves often acting out with sexist behavior, abuse, and misconduct towards females. It’s rather mental when men believe damaging distorted triggered beliefs misperceived creating a narcissist misogynist. Many of these men grow into adulthood playing the “Tough guy,” but are really, tragically, a hurt wounded little boy, overcompensating for psychological wounds in childhood, that he has no insight into.
They say you are who you are going to show up in life as an adult by the age of 5, experiences will define who you will be up until this point and is a critical point of self-development. Over the years I’ve experienced Narcissistic Misogyny most of my life either from my children’s fathers, my brother, cousins and even Supervisors. It is impressionable and imperative that young men are presented with a well-rounded experience from parents and role models. A proper balance of masculine and feminine emotion should be taught and accepted; I was fortunate to experience a dual foster parent household. I understand women such as myself while raised in a toxic environment I learned the balance and its influence of gender roles in a Patriarchal society. After careful observation and firsthand abuse by many of these misogynists they're usually enabled by female misogynists, some out of guilt and some out of learned behavior.
I personally don’t condone wrong behavior for any reason, and I believe I have a moral responsibility as a woman to speak on impartiality and injustices and I believe that we are equal, “Every object or phenomenon in the universe consists of two opposite aspects.” The truth is there are two genders both of whom are strong in certain areas and weak in others and vice versus which create an elliptic balance. Culturally we are taught as women to be in servitude and as of the turn of the decade, to lead as women in the U.S., and the Global economic advancement. Let's be real the United States exceeds most of the wealth and career options that women in other countries don't have the social norm of experiencing, which effects the women in our country. With having to be hard working, strong emotionally and physically protective it's eroded some of our women's ability to feel safe and be soft, nurturing, healing and subservient women. SN: Particularly, black women have been the backbone of humanity while being under loved, overlooked and toughened since history could record (Imma touch on this too in another blog entry).
Through all of these cultural changes in gender roles, we have males who view themselves as women, act as women yet hate women which is also a psychological disorder. Many of these males are influential in the beauty, fashion, and music industry while setting the standard of what beauty is with the advent of plastic surgery and Trans-feminism. What occurred in their life that would make them assume these "Roles" and "Costuming in women’s attire?" Why hasn’t anyone addressed the mental state behind these actions? This discussion seems to rattle a lot of nerves when we look at the environmental effects of the male mental, fatherless households, single motherhood, impoverishment, abuse, avaricious mindset, mental & emotional abuse and manipulation. When I say those things I think of the quote, “Who hurt you?” Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you and scientifically rejection is processed by the brain as physical pain. Perhaps some of this pain creates a Post Traumatic Personality Disorder and Malignant Narcissist Misogynistic Males bordering, often, on Anti-social Personality Disorder (Sociopathy or Psychopathy) often are physically violent and even more tragically many go on to kill the woman that they so claimed to “love”. How does one rewire the brains in these men who are not capable of giving or receiving love.
What can be done to restore the mental health of the males effected by traumatic experiences to develop a strong male, masculine presence with transparency while providing a safe space for emotional maturity. How do we engage these males to shed their perception of women and when will the women who have been influential in the lives of these male misogynist begin to accept accountability? I mean really work towards fixing themselves while accepting their behavior that contributed to their overall effect on their son, nephews, grandsons, cousins, and such. When the men look within themselves and acknowledge their brokenness and toxic behaviors maybe they too will reach out to a professional psychologist or therapist. I believe these steps would help restore families and work environments but first we must STOP CONDONING the “MESSY” misogynic behaviors firsthand of misogynists because to be quiet during an injustice makes you just as guilty!
Daddy’s Lil’ “Ghou”rl
Daddy’s Lil’ “Ghou”rl
Friday. November 25th, 2022
So, there I was looking at a video from Soft White Underbelly and if you’ve ever watched one episode, you’d understandably find it easy to become intrigued. During this episode I witnessed the body language of a Pimp and his “Bottom Hoe” as they interviewed. One thing that stuck out to me was her need for the approval to speak and what to say all while nervously moving around while rubbing on him for comfort to inadvertently self-soothing. When asked about her upbringing she stated she had numerous parental figures as a result of her parent’s separation in early childhood shuttling back and forth and inconsistent stability living with various stepparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and ect. 24 years, working in the industry at age 43 her Pimp was promising her retirement with a house and white picket fence. In my Flavor Flav voice I thought….”WOW,” what must she be mentally going through to be at this point?
I mean “Daddy Issues” is a real thing! Different types of emotional distress stem from father issues like distrust and lack of self-esteem which can lead to addictions and cycles of repeated dysfunctional decisions and toxic or codependent relationships with men. Regardless of the reason, Fatherlessness daughters tend not to acknowledge their emotional disorder. Assessing the impact of not having a clear understanding of what a healthy, loving male/female relationship should look and feel like. When understanding those whose fathers were absent it’s clear to see the emotional impact is similar. For some who had no father or father figure at all and then there are those who had a father or Father Figure that was physically present but were unattached, unavailable, absent, abusive, suffering from addiction(s) or a combination of all thee above having the same impact. As I recollect about some of the females i was raised round and met over the course of my life, one thing was evident., They would do anything to keep a man and seemed to be stuck in a certain age mentally and spoke from a first- and third-persons perspective at times with regards to their fathers. What I do know is that im not the only one to notice the phenomenon of immature women. Mr. Al Sharpton said on his Morning Review on IG, “You’d be really surprised at how many people don’t operate like they’re grown, and they’ve been a certain age for a while now. Just never coming to grips that they are now the ones that should be the grown up.”
I believe a father is a daughter’s first male friend, first love, first protector and comforter. I mean it starts early in a young womans life with the whole, “You’re so pretty” to “You’re sexy” which for some translates into "Tell me I’m beautiful" because my father never praised my appearance or validated me.” Not feeling heard or protected about hurt or complaints of feeling unsupported, teased, bullied, body shamed, sexually harassed, and objectified or worse assaulted. It is ingrained in our society that a father is supposed to be the to provide, protect and lead which without this presence and traits leaves the desire to fulfill that bond by any means. Some become so stuck in the mental cycle they have a need for everyone’s approval and attention at all costs. A daughter’s sense of confidence and self-worth is linked directly to her relationship with her father where at their core of these distressed daughters there’s a devious, hyper-sexual, sensitive, needy/clingy individual incapable of love.
I remember a few positive things of my Father (Uncle); he always got up and went to work and sat and meticulously wrote and paid bills. One night after just getting off work as a Backhoe Operator (after mid-night), took me out in my snowsuit despite me being home, sick all day to make snow angels in the dark, in the snow! Taking me to go play basketball at Roper Middle school basketball court. Getting a box of chocolates and teddy bears every year on Valentine’s Day with the size corresponding with my age! He and my foster brother putting up my own Playground Playset in the backyard for my birthday and lastly him telling my mom to do my hair and dress me pretty to go out with him to visit family. Asking me to do push ups in my Class ‘A’s when visiting from Army Training. Watching him make his famous rice pudding and stuffed rock fish. I’d gone fishing and biking with him and he’d sit and talk to me as he watered the lawn at night when the sky was clearest of sky pollution and point out the stars.
I believe that even though those experiences existed for me, I also have an obfuscated view of what a healthy bond is as well. No child is raised unscathed and that’s the truth.” Then there’s Daddy Issues on a whole “nother” level when it come to the young women who had their Fathers attention, so much so that going from the center of attention or only child to no attention or having to share it can cause psychotic episodes. I started analyzing my bonds and how hard my Dad (Uncle) worked and sacrificed solely out of love for his family and others around him. I didn’t learn to set appropriate boundaries with relatives I perceived as “loved ones” by supporting them even if they have given up on themselves and accepting mental, emotional, and financial abuse.” My Daddy issues manifested in a different way in that I was a habitual people pleaser because I witnessed unwavering loyalty despite the toxic behaviors and environments. I tended to have a high tolerance for toxic behaviors and would overextend myself in obvious non-mutually beneficial connections.
In conclusion, for some overcoming Fatherless Daddy Syndrome can be as simple as recognizing a pattern, releasing a habit and or bond(s). For others it’s acknowledging where you are presently, accepting the errors in your ways, making a conscious choice to change, releasing self-limiting beliefs, giving up addictions and for others forgiving their younger selves. I’ve always had self-love and unfortunately, we all must face our role in the process of placing blame in what we allowed and accepted, healing and forgiving. I urge many of these hurt women to do the work by self-assessment, developing and practicing emotionally healthy habits and coping skills. Speaking with a therapist and or psychologist and setting boundaries. No one wants to deal with Daddy’s Lil’ “Ghou”rl aka an evil spirit suffering from Daddy Issues.
The Art of Losing
The Art of Losing
Saturday. November 26th, 2022
Growing up we’d call those who couldn’t accept defeat, “Sore Losers!” Everyone in life experiences loss and we’ve all experienced the feeling of disappointment associated with loss. However, there are those who become sullen and broken by possessing. Then there are those, as the saying goes, “Refuse to lose face.” Some people can’t accept loss and must win at all costs and are usually motivated by power, by authority and by the desire for status to the point of having serious issues managing their anger and turns to vengefulness.
In the news there’s been many violent acts of those who perceived themselves as taking a loss. For instance, a former Walmart employee who shot 6 dead and injured 18 customers. Then there’s the boyfriend who shot five family members of his girlfriends. Then there’s the young man attending Virginia tech who came back to campus to shoot his fellow teammates. Then there’s the woman who shot and killed another woman over her cheating husband. Then there’s the young lady who was attractive and well-known braider and financially successful set up and murdered by her own friends. In all of these scenarios these vindictive individuals internalized a perceived loss to the point of not having self-control.
In life, there are no guarantees, and we must learn to detach. Detachment means disconnecting from things that are of less importance, in order to accomplish the heights of what we as human can achieve. Meaning you can achieve more by detaching yourself from the things that control your emotions and self-motivation to a certain extent by taking a step back. Even emotionally, we are taught to experience our emotions in a healthy way but not to internalize them to the point of debilitation.
It’s not attachments that should make us happy. We can let go when life changes and still feel blissful, peaceful, and free.
As children we experience various types of loss and here is where coping skills should be developed regulating feelings of injustice and self-control. Over the course of their life toxic characteristics like jealousy, insecurities, and negative thoughts develop and fester. Eventually compounding those characteristics to a lack of empathy and difficulty managing emotions. Feelings of inadequacy induce pain in the brain when they feel attacked, mistreated or socially rejected. These individuals have high neuroticism and experience continued anger and hostility and will seek to avenge the perceived loss as a betrayal. In the first few moments an avenging act may feel rewarding in the brain, psychological scientists have found that instead of quenching hostility, revenge prolongs the unpleasantness of the original offense. Instead of delivering justice, revenge often creates only a cycle of retaliation. For the mature minded this type of behavior is Mental as hell!
Often what is not mentally corrected in childhood may turn in to Petulant BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This subtype personality disorder fluctuates between outbursts of explosive anger and feelings of being unworthy or unloved. They have a strong need to manipulate or control others, and they become very possessive, which results in extreme dissatisfaction in their relationships. Over time life for these type of people becomes unbearable due to The law of karma. The karmic universal system that is based on the concept of cause and effect and physics states that every action produces an equal reaction. The law of karma works on the same principle. Positive karma encourages progress of the soul, and negative karma hinders the progress of the soul. Eventually we’ll have a population of toxic adults who refuse to accept that Revenge proves its own executioner.” “Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
Losing is an Art. Ever notice the best fighters, warriors, engineers, scientists and philosophers have all taken losses! Scrappin theories and methodologies left and right in order to develop the perfect formulas. It is how one looses with grace that determines their trajectory in life. Loosing also builds character and humility that they themselves are equally humbled by winner’s. In short, we need to teach our youth the art of loosing. This is why so many young men run and women grab guns or gang up on others and have angry outburst, they have no moral compass nor consequences in accepting that every action doesn’t need a reaction and a loss doesn’t determine your overall strength and character.
I wish we’d stop all the upholding of our youth when they’re in the wrong and giving everyone inclusive trophies. We need to allow healthy competitiveness to positively develop endurance, strength and good character. Iron sharpens iron…meaning “one person sharpens another” -Proverbs 27:17! Listen, in order to make yourself better, there is a mutual benefit making others better through mentorship, followership, and leading. Just remember that next time you can’t take a loss, evaluate whether you have the requisites to compete or be considered. Ask yaself what exactly you are losing and is it’s worth it? Can you sustain mentally if defeated? Do the work, self-assess and always think before reacting.
Sexually Awake or Asleep
Sexually Awake or Asleep
Friday, December 2nd, 2022
Cised af receiving an email for a discount on Rihanna’s Savage Fenty Lingerie line promoting it’s Black Friday & Cyber Monday sell so I clicked on it. I thought the yoga pants and sports bra tops were cute while imagining how it’d fit and hug all my curves being petite and all. Then I went on to notice on the website that she’d used a variety of body types and genders and I began to think hmm, I could order something sexy to wear but I wouldn’t fully fill up a 'B' cup in most corsets and bra type tops. Then I switched phone apps to navigate to my IG feed. First thing I saw was ass and titties, asssss and titties, sing it with me sike but for real ass and titties were EVERYWHERE! I’m talking about the gay men and majority of the women that’s when it struck me. The world is obsessed with sex! There’s the saying "Sex Sells" and with the advent of Fans Only, Cash App and various social media platforms I began to wonder how can anyone be in a monogamous relationshit? (SN: I call them that because i've yet to have experienced one with honesty, transparency, loyalty and as a byproduct love)! Any way, how does this overly sexualized world affect your sexual Awakening?
I mean personally am not easily aroused nor enticed. Being petite, I’d never really embraced from the physical aspect of myself to the point of sexual confidence. I have always been a sapiosexual and relied on my brain rather than looks or what i could offer sexually. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures for instance heels help elongate the leg and widen the hips. The more curves the marrier lol, science states a curvature of 45.5 degrees because it accentuates their posterior, making it appear bigger and waist-to-hip ratio smaller. Then there’s saying, “Tall, dark, and handsome “which for a lot of women height is ideal and a deal breaker. A study showed that a man’s leg-body ratios slightly above them is associated with high socioeconomic status, good nutrition, and developmental stability supposedly lol!
Seems like everywhere I look there’s sex. Hell, Coi Leray is petite and didn’t pick up mainstream fandom until she showed more skin and ass! With the ability to reach women who have plastic surgery and libido’s driven by immediate gratification and money. Our society has sensationalized SEX! The media and social media perpetually feeding our minds sexual images, behaviors, public and personal financial agendas portrayals, reinforce a relatively consistent set of sexual and relationship norms, and rarely depicts sexually responsible models. Consistent mental programing fuels hypersexuality and is defined as an increased need or pressure for sexual gratification and a symptom of mania, including decreased inhibitions or a need for "forbidden" sex. Think about that…”Forbidden Sex” and as I stated previously the male sexual fluidity has increased over the last decade. Did you know hypersexuality is listed as one of the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder, so it's a common part of bipolar disorder. BIPOLAR DISORDER! Yes, you read that right!
In life we all eventual discover our sexual self and can occur at any time and at any age. I like to consider a “Sexual Awakening” as becoming aware your body and sexual kinks as continuous process that starts typically in early adolescence and continues into late adulthood. In the bible Onan, son of Judah, who "spilled" his seed "on the ground” called Onanism was punished for masturbating in Gen. 38, 7–10.
So, what exactly is happening in the body that leads to these sexual awakenings? Between hormones in adolescents to as an adult the limbic system regulating arousal through physical sensation, seeing sensual content, or sexual fantasies releasing serotonin and cortisol. Once we experience the first phase of the sexual response cycle (SRC) you’ll forever chase that high. For some when your spirit is aligned some experience a Kundalini Awakening which occurs when there are sudden changes in your body, mind, and spirit leading to a gradual spiritual transformation a state you attain when you start changing from within. As we mature in your life your perception changes and so do your feelings. Eventually the act of sex encompasses our values, attitudes, feelings, interactions, behaviors, and the necessity of procreation.
Once we comprehend and become self-aware sex will no longer control attitudes, feelings, and values to detriment and self-validation. In conclusion, you must be mentally strong enough to recognize addictive behaviors and hypersexuality free yourself from the matrix that is programing us mentally. Only then can we make healthy connections and understand the sanctity of the act of sex. I’ve never been hypersexual, giving time between partners/relationships having four partners in six years and abstaining over the last 13 months and I feel the most mental clarity i’ve ever had in my life! By the way, don't be judging me for typos! I does this off the DOME, ya dig! Judge YO MOMMA...lls! Aight i'm out!
Pay Me No Mind
Pay Me No Mind
Monday, December 5th, 2022
Reminiscing back to September 11, 2001 listening to The Blueprint Album, I was scheduled to ship out to the Army in seven months. I could hear the lyrics play, “You not feeling me, fine. It costs you nothing, pay me no mind...”— Jay-Z I remember when this song came out, I was working at Shirley’s Barbershop braiding hair and sewing in weaves making about $400 or more a day too! Just as that memory faded, I received a notification through Monster.com considering my resume so I went to share this job with a friend who was looking for one only to realize the robust workload AND need for 100% accuracy’s stark contrast to the pay offered $18-19.23 which averages of $1,152.00 after taxes bi-weekly before taxes and even less if electing benefits. The average rent in Prince George’s County is $1,738 which most renters require three times the rent to be approved.
PG County is right outside of DC and has just as much crime as DC does. Statistically the job market and economy has been so unpredictable 44% of employed US Citizens tend to only stay at a job for 1-2 years and only 37% 3-4 years. The days of retiring from a company, organization or agency has changed, we’re investing, rolling over 401k’s and IRA’s. Now back to this administrative job role…let’s dissect this quick, the average Prince George's County Administrative Assistant yearly pay in Maryland is $79,894. Washington DC has the Highest rate of remote work at 6.1% to include Prince George’s County which transportation and fringe benefits don’t seem to be factored into the wage offered. Then there’s the issue of safety to, from and around the workplace; Forest Heights violent crime is 16.1 (the US average is 22.7).
The news is currently advocating for Railroad Employee Time Off and Unions have significantly reduced in numbers due to outsourcing work for cheaper labor internationally. Many employers don’t even consider the regular life hurdles that most people with low to medium income encounter that effects the employees daily from their home life or living check to check with and without dependents. Then there’s the mental wherewithal of knowing your job is not guaranteed. Aside from low pay, the cost of living has increased steadily with an inflation rate of 5.4% this year. I know a lot of us citizens are not happy about this financial squat walk we’ve had to endure several recessions since 2000. I couldn’t help but to feel the need to email the job poster back about this role and the above statistics because just like they want a well-versed performing employee, the exchange should be mutually beneficial.
So, I suggested the description needing to be rewritten and appropriate pay considered. Hopefully, the council will consider this statistical data, reconvene, and obligate appropriate funding for the administrative role. Maybe more employers will survey employees to create a better work life balance in career roles that offer growth and longevity. So, I guess Jay was right, many have adapted the mindset of “You not feeling me, fine. It costs you nothing, pay me no mind...” it’s better to be carefree than to hold on to mental stress over not being enough or paid what your worth. In this world you have to steadily increase your skill set and make yourself marketable with decent communication skills. Deuces…im out!
Friday, January 13, 2023
As we usher in the New Year I want to start off by saying thank you for joining me Collective (some may ask what’s a collective, involving all members of a group or distinct from of individuals). The time has come to address the collective and what I as a conveyer and direct conduit of the Christ Conscious (a consciousness of spiritual awareness on the same level of spirituality as Yeshua. For those that don’t believe in Yeshua you can liken it to a mystical Consciousness that refers to a spiritually evolved state of being full of spiritual enlightenment that humans can achieve on their own. For some of us we carry a genetic chromosome that from birth carry an innate ability to experience hard times and experiences making us wise and loving, and eventually becoming one with all that exists in a state of mind that all Light workers seek to attain during their spiritual journey to Oneness with God. Some people access and trigger their own self awareness known as a spiritual awakening that changes the essence of who you are, beliefs, lifestyle and even your diet.
You see through various behaviors many of you are cut off from God’s voice and it doesn’t matter how religious you are either. Well, how can some be cut off from God’s voice, simple for some your vibrational frequency which our spiritual aura is about 700 feet in circumference starting at your spinal column and is extremely low which then affects anything within that forcefield. I mean just look at the dead plants in your space or the piles of dirty clothes and trash around your living space and the cleanliness of your vehicle…. dark energy gathers there says Feng Shui. The five elements of feng shui (earth, metal, water, wood, and fire) are interrelated phases in life that work together to create a complete system so by feng shuing your home, you balance these five elements which helps to balance your chakra’s.
I mean think about it messy room and several other criteria can be a sign of depression or other psychological issues which means your circadian rhythm is blocked. Some call it calcified because eating certain foods creates plaque in the arteries and the seat of your soul. The seat of the soul is your pineal gland which is known to be connected to our intuition (God’s voice). Since we’re created in “his image “Man as in “hue-man” color of man “myelinated” having a darker hue/color to their skin. Humans who possess melanin in their skin of widespread species of primate, characterized by bipedalism and exceptional cognitive skills due to a large and complex brain. The term man and words derived from it can designate any or even all humans regardless of their sex or age. In traditional usage, man itself refers to the species of humanity.…
Now some of you are spiritually ill and manifesting physical ailments because of it. Some of you were born damned and don’t even know it. It is our individual responsibility to heal within us the trauma that made you mentally, physically, and spiritually. Some of you have taken oaths and vows to uphold negative belief systems and allegiance to devilment.
You see there’s various classifications of demons from mythological, occult, folklore, religious ritualistic, with elemental forms, astrological ties and parallels to angelic hierarchy but ultimately many of you are associated by sin, disease and other calamities. Some of you are out here dating the Seven Princes of of Hell and wonder why ya going through hell? Lucifer and pride, Beelzebub and gluttony, Satan and wrath, Abdon and sloth, Mammon and greed, Belphegor and envy and Asmodeus and lust which also represent the seven deadly sins. Then you have your demons of fate known as Laplacia and there’s Enki the Kind of the Demon world and Muzan the oldest demon. There are familiars’ familiar spirits of cunning individuals who have passed, there are druids which is a nocturnal spirit and some of you are Cambions, the offspring of a succubus and an incubus i.e. human demon hybrids. So now we identify that we are in a spiritual war which I used to think my elders were nuts when they said that. But no, its true! In every country in every religion the stories and struggles are the same yet one thing that’s been consistent are the prophets, psychics, theologist and leaders over the years and their contributions to humanity as their lives are usually one of extraordinary change and challenges.
In closing Collective, you have to stay spiritually disciplined because this world is becoming more and more wicked by the day from the unhinged behaviors towards one another in our homes and communities, lacking integrity, empathy and the ability to heal Yourselves mentally and emotionally.
Sunday, January 29th, 2023
So here I am in front of my laptop once again off my Carrie Bradshaw shit! Assaults, thefts, homicides, political ties, adultery, sexual fluidity and social hierarchy has dubbed D.C. the “New Sin City.” Washington, DC home to the Capitol of the United States and the central nucleus of the most powerful military and influential global economy in the world. The District of Columbia has thee highest crime rate in America with 1 out of every 17 people being a victim of a crime. I’ve always referred to DC as “Crab City,” which I personally coined because not only are local Maryland Blue Crabs a native food staple, but this city is also a cutthroat place full of envy, jealousy, backdooring and herd mentality social groups (the tendency to cultivate behavior or beliefs to conform to those of the group to which they belong). The recipe for this insidious environment of course influences one’s social class, income brackets, business affiliations, career, and social status.
What is the cause of the influential affluence in a city that’s been recently dubbed “The New Sin City.” Many natives often reminisce on memories of their past influenced by experiences the political elites and local hood legends of the city’s business transactions, criminal doings, business ties and scenes, all under the cover of the city’s backdrop. Who are these people rumored to exist? A large majority have interests in and are a part of DC’s Criminal Network consisting of an estimated 37 states, over 120 Cities and countless affiliates some large and some as small as what DC natives refer to as “Clicks,” (native lingo for gang affiliated) tied to local crime network. The Streets, the Projects and impoverished Neighborhoods plagued by low income led to poverty, crime, and drug distribution over the years.
Exploring the backdrop of DC, many of the OG’s of the reign of DC’s long standing Drug & Crime network giving rise to secret societies and affiliations established in DC’s former federal prison. Commissioned by President Roosevelt, one of the nation’s most notorious prisons formerly known as Lorton Reformatory opened in 1910 in Lorton, Virginia. The idea was to reform criminals with short sentences while allowing them to learn trades and embracing “A Hard Day’s Work” from farming, metal work, to brick masonry and eventually becoming co-ed. By 1919 the 19th amendment (side note do you see those angel numbers) after a women’s hunger strike aided in the right for women to vote. In 2001 DC shut down their Federal Prison now more than 21 years ago, DC inmates were sent to Federal Prisons nationwide, giving rise to a larger network of Organized Crime Organizations. Many of whom returned to DC and ran small lucrative criminal networks and affiliates intertwined at various levels between cops, lawyers, judges, realtor, finance managers, drug dealers, escorts, and bankers!
We went from the War on Drugs to Say No to Drugs as Crack Cocaine entered the Nations Lexicon DC was already struggling from all the convenient, cheap drugs on every corner leaving behind pockets of poverty. By 1989, President Bush stated “This is the capital of the United States of America, we have to have standards here that are reflective of the country as a whole, that this is not some third-world country.” “This place was the epicenter,” said one DC Native. Doubling in Crime, Emergency Room Visits and while ravaging families the Drug War waged on aiding in increased prostitution, mental health and addiction crisis, theft and homicide taking mothers and fathers from families leaving children displaced. DC quickly became a place without a lot of options affecting the mentality of its residents. As the lock up rates increased so did the up rise of absent fathers, threatening the elimination of the minority middle class. With the promise of easy money and the illusion of wealth, many misguided young men turned to selling drugs. By the late 90’s and early 2000’s most men had spent time in jail or prison and new social class of young men emerged
As DC entered the 21st Century with an increase in transplant citizens, relocates to DC bringing their eclecticism and culture from nations all over the world and nation. In the age of technology and social media, networking and money schemes have risen. Due to changes, difference in condition, amount, and levels of sexual responsiveness due to situational, interpersonal, and contextual influences, over the last decade male sexual fluidity has increase 15% and 7.9% with women over the past 20 years. 20% of married couples are likely to encounter infidelity.
Now consider the fact that 70% of couples (unmarried) cheat at some point in the relationship and 20% of married couples have dealt with cheating. Basically, with all the influences around I wonder why are people so co-dependent that even with these statistics they choose to be in relationships instead of alone since the chief complaint was an unhappiness in physical and emotional relations. Today at the height of hypersexuality and ritualistic behaviors and fast money at the tip of one’s finger. It can easily be said that Washington, DC has been feted as the new Sin-City feted with a story as political, cut-throat, gangster, sexy, wild, and befitting as Las Vegas, Nevada. With the new attractions like; hotels, casinos, bars, entertainment venues, political ties to the local business & realty investments, social and physical city reshaping one may easy reference the similarities in the history of Las Vegas Mafia roots. Bugsy Siegel, a founding member of Murder Inc., an organized crime group that operated from 1929 to 1941 that acted as the strong arm of the Italian American Mafia, Jewish Mob, and other closely connected organized crime groups in New York City and elsewhere.
Who would better know what and who, Las Vegas would attract given that the Mafia was known to have exquisite taste, a desire for opulence, high risk gambling and a thirst for sensual and exotic women. Siegel, an investor in The Northern Club and El Cortez hotel and casinos in Las Vegas. Siegel invested the mob money to grow Las Vegas casino-hotels, to control what was known as “The race wires,” something he had also done for the mob while in southern California. Due to the mob ties and the various Capo’s within the organizations displeasure in Siegel’s management of investment fund and ultimately, he was murdered. News reports state that 20 minutes after he was killed, a group of executives walked into the Hotel & Casino known as the Flamingo and said they were now in charge.
Thank you for taking a read of my oracle recollections as a native Washingtonian with this quick history lesson in both politics and street politics in Washington, DC with an overcast of greed, ego, crime, and damn near contagious sexual aberrancies. Until next time….stay dangerous lol! Hope you enjoyed the gems.
Roll those loaded dice!
Bring on the dancing girls and put the champagne on ice.
[Chorus] I'm goin' in! To Sin City, im gonna win!
In sin city, where the lights are bright!
Do the town tonight, I wanna win!
Friday, February 3, 2023
In today’s world only 8% of the world’s population obtain their goals. That means 624 million people or 80 out of every 1000 people. Most of all of the people in that 8%, have an internal compass for structure and discipline, possessing a systematic way of doing things to obtain their goals eventually reaping the rewards of their efforts hence the saying, “Hard work pays off.” 8.8% of the U.S. are millionaires ironically. See those 8’s which in the spiritual realm translates to abundance in material comforts, like money, influence, and power and embodies leadership skills. It’s often a sign from a belief system of "Do whatever it takes" that intrinsically motivates them at their core. What's a Happy Medium? Let me break it down; ME, refers to ones self-followed by DIEM which in Latin means "By the day." What's your Happy "ME-DIUM" in a companionship!
How are you as a companion by the day? How do you find a balance in individuality and /companionship/partnership and more importantly how do you maintain that goal? How do you not lose yourself in being who you’re called to be for your partner/spouse which largely depends on who you chose as a partner/spouse. What I have observed over the years from married couples whether functional or dysfunctional usually was that one spouse/partner embodies what the other doesn’t like ying and yang energy. Similar to that of coefficients in math which consists of a constant (number) quantity, placed before (as in first) and then multiply the variable. In other words, increase what your partner pours into you and always consider them first in most things and everything around you will multiply. You must be consistent in whatever role you have to play at that level whether you must be the sub or the prime but always in co-existence. How do you achieve that, when what women perceive as a good or desirable mate is NOT what men say they want in a woman and the same for men and their idea and perception of a good woman or desirable mate.
To capture with accuracy an honest analysis on these perspectives I compiled data from a series of online articles, firsthand experiences in my past relationships, relationships I’ve witnessed, and lastly a few polls on Facebook from a few Social Groups I am a member of. Back in the 40’s known as the generation of "Traditional Values," women and men desired dependable character and emotional stability as qualities in a marriage partner, chastity for women was high value, and that women needed good looks more than intelligence. This society is still Patriarchal, though a lot has changed to advance how we fight wars, import synthetic materials, and 24/7access to shop with e-commerce. By 2013 studies showed marriage expectations in partners were no longer about consistency and principal but instead about convenience and gratification.
Gender roles and income levels have changed with the increase in women’s rights, equality, and diversity inclusionary laws. Women before the last Semicentennial (that’s 50 years for those who don’t know) wasn’t tripping off of looks as it ranked #18 on a list of 20 qualities they preferred in a man, among the top qualities were mutual support and understanding, maturity, emotional stability, and ambition. Fast forward to 2023 it’s ALL ABOUT MONEY, LOOKS, SOCIAL STATUS and MATERIAL possessions for most women followed by being; respectful, chivalrous, not conservative, good communication skills, grateful, good listening skills, willing to commit, confident, straight forward with a sense of humor, is kind/considerate, self-motivated, trustworthy, emotionally vulnerable, sexually compatible, knowledgeable, self-aware, receptive to feedback, positive affluence, principled and lastly monogamously loving.
There are Male Gurus providing prospective and directive to males seeking companionship and establishing trends. I recently heard a quote from Kevin Samuels in one of his videos, “Remember fellas, go down in looks to go up in cooperation. Can the same be said about educated women? As women we tend to highlight what we feel men consider as a high-volume woman as the standard versus what they truly feel makes a woman high value which is vastly different and usually a hindrance when choosing potential partners/spouses.
What's even more intriguing is what today's male collective desires versus myth and tradition contradicting everything often lol. I mean the age-old myth that men “date down”. In fact, through history Powerful Men dated a haram of beautiful women and chose to be around them for a reason. Let’s be real a beautiful, nicely shaped woman on your arm is a massive signal of STATUS no matter if you live in your mothas (yeah, I kept it so DC) basement or you're the CEO of Goldman Sachs. So, dating down triggers something in men, we’ll get to that in another blog but for now l will list what men want in a woman. Heading off the list of what men want; independence (ranked number one), follow by Femininity and a Lady–Like Demeanor, Confidence and Self-Esteem, Ambition and a Desire to Succeed, Sexy and Seductive, Able to Be Domestic at Times, Social and Able to Hold a Conversation, Polite, Civilized, and Cultured, Positive and Upbeat, Fun, Playful, and Spontaneous, Dedicated to Taking Care of Yourself, emotionally stable and lastly Devoted and Loving.
Nowhere on that overall list I compiled from several online polls and articles, did I read that the ideal woman should "be a good listener" which I feel is key for both women and men seeking partners/spouse. Often, I’ve heard men say they want to feel needed when dating “Independent Women” but then complain when they’re used up by the women who are devoted to Societal and Economic social climbing which is a phenomenon that’s increased as Social Media Platforms have dominated the method by which we are entertained, informed of news and directly/indirectly communicate. There are sexy women who have naturally voluptuous bodies which have all since become a past time around 2004. The advent of affordable plastic surgery is now the standard of beauty, wigs, and permanent make-up it’s hard to believe men say they prefer a woman without it. With access to women all over the world with just a cell phone and social media platforms men can now fly to poor countries and states for their idea of “Exotic, Attractive, Subservient” women as partners/spouses while a recent study showed 23 countries where people cheat at about the same rates in rich countries as in poor countries and vice versus.
Most people truly don’t know what they want nor when they have the best. You can have a great person and leave it for an idea of better and by the time they realize they had the best; the best will have found better and that’s just Universal Law! Don’t be no fool, know when being with someone as a karmic lesson, notice the red flags, patterns of behavior, and most importantly who they are and where they come from. Be more discerning and diligent in finding a partner/spouse that has a mindset that matches yours then establish your love languages and communication styles. Live your life for you, not an audience when picking your person i've witnessed people miserable behind closed doors for years just to maintain appearances for toxic communities, comrades, and relatives most of which belonging to the 20-40% of couples being cheated on. Be careful who offers you unsolicited advice and stories rest should be up from there; help restore positive relationship. It doesn’t mean you will meet “The One” right away, but if we chase perfection through the trial and error of going through relationships without trauma attachments, we can produce excellence in long term healthy unions.
Please be advised that I didn’t include any analytics for scammers and career criminals mainly because it’s unrealistic and immature to consider conducting such activities as an adult and even considering being in a relationship, situation-ship, roommates, partners or spouse because obviously better life choices need to be made, aight bye! Side note…yall ready for February 14th…. International Day of Love?!!
Mother May I?
Mother May I?
Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
In this entry I will address growing up with a “Cold Foster Mom;” Parental Traits, Rules and Family. First acknowledge that emotionally, cold, narcissistic Foster Parents do exist although the significance of family relationships is often psychologically underestimated. I ran into a young lady named Kia who was an associate of my foster sister, older sister to her younger brother and my childhood friend Muhammad, at one-point neighbors and residing in the same neighborhoods for more than 2, Vicennial (twenty years). It was a reminder to me just how far I’d come and how much I was able to detach from my past. While sitting at the DC Governments Training office she mentioned how I stayed on punishment as a child and how I was not bad from what she could tell. It was true, I remember leaving home at 15 years after spending years and a few summers in my room 90% of the time, not being allowed to have company or peers overnight, enjoy social events for my age, and parenting foster nieces and nephews full time since the age of 7.
Fostered at 9 months old by my biological Grand Uncle and his wife. I have one my biological sibling I grew to know of named David, who resided with us until I was 3 years and 3 months old he was then placed in another foster home by age 7. My earliest memory as a foster child in my foster parents’ home was one of sitting on huge black pillows in the living room floor with the side door open, while holding my stuffed doll in a bonnet with yarn pigtails. I couldn’t have been no more than age 1 or 2. I remember vividly a white family who had me previously while standing on Saint Elizabeth’s Hospital being held by a cousin (Tance or Gloria) my mother hung around socially. Fast forward to 2023, my DNA test showed that I’m in fact 33% Caucasian with Caucasian first and second cousins. As a child I was teased and called, High Yellow, White Girl, Light Bright, and my favorite Snowflake. I literally glowed as a baby, even in photos being fair complexioned and reminiscing, how throughout my up bringing my foster mom attentively watched Flowers in the Attic and Imitation of Life every screening on the regular tv networks. The movies were emotionally triggering and passive aggressive but more importantly gave insight to how dark her heart really is.
At age 39 and it’s taken me a long time to learn my childhood was nowhere near ideal. It has taken me becoming a mother to see how truly messed up my adoptive mother’s treatment and her children towards me was. Bullying, emotional abuse, neglect, verbal, and physical abuse, often physically over worked becoming an “Aunt” (to foster nephew) meant going years without a childhood and social life while being psychologically manipulated was difficult to put into words as a child while being beaten and abused then told, “What goes on in this house, stays in this house” as the abuses continued into my teens and then adulthood. Due to the way I was raised I never physically disciplined my children preferring to “Panda Parent.” I was not the only fostered child I knew, there were five other fostered children in the care of my foster mother’s relatives who also suffered mistreatment from sexual, physical, verbal, emotional abuse, and neglect to being treated without respect as free and expendable labor and only tolerated out of necessity for the monthly foster checks normalized. Over the years realized that I just like my fostered cousins, was a monthly check, expected to provide free labor and accept the abuse.
During my childhood rearing I learned to adjust to the polars of my foster mom projecting a loving, kind exterior to outsiders while being emotionally absent, cold, and unresponsive to my needs. Anything I was excited about, took interest or exceled at was met by her intentional distractions, disinterest during interactions, and rejection of any attempts to bond or get close like I’d witnessed other mothers and daughter bonds to this day my three biological children are treated the same way. Holidays have come and gone my foster mom hasn’t been active in my children’s lives like she has been in her own grandchildren’s lives, doesn’t call nor ask about my children, hasn’t attempted to bond with my children and has never bought them birthday nor holiday gifts intentionally. Although pshe traditionally gives her two adult female daughters money, takes them out to eat every birthday, signed for apartments and cars and paid for them, to even ignoring their verbal disrespect and financial theft of her own daughters and grandchildren.
I remember having a broom broken across my back and beaten to the floor with her fists and even beat with wire hangers and once her sister beat me with an extension cord for getting my hair wet in the pool while attending camp up Benning Park Recreation Center. When people from the neighborhood my foster mom grew up with would approach her and ask who I was, she’d always say she was my aunt through my uncle adopting me while I publicly referred to her as Ma. Meanwhile my uncle always told others I was his daughter, had my foster mom do my hair to go with him to visit biological family, mentoring me through talking to me and bonding through chores and outings. A stark contrast from my foster mom’s dismissive, overwhelmed reactions to my emotional need. She was never interested in my interests, friend groups, schoolwork, or inclusivity of family.
Growing up I never received hugs, I love you’s or affection, unwilling to provide comfort during my emotional distress. I didn’t realize it then but there was a linkage in her unattached, unavailable, absent presence and ways of minimizing my accomplishments. Given that our household was plagued by my uncle’s alcoholism and growing up in a family of 16 it’s no wonder my foster mom was detached; intergenerational and personal trauma, an absence of emotional intelligence, being a victim of domestic abuse, becoming a mother and wife at 18 and having an unhealthy example of marriage as her own parents argued, fought and one suffered from alcoholism in a generation raised on loyalty and tradition the habit of fragmented problem solving and the lack of conflict resolution skills, and a variety of other challenges was passed down.
Throughout my up bringing I excelled in art, entering Art Contests, most notably received an Honorable Mention by Eleanor Holmes Norton for my art work “A New View at the Zoo” submission for DC’s Revitalization. Attended the Summer Art Programs For the “Gifted & Talented”, was a “Wednesday” child (attending Houston Elementary school of performing arts once a week), entered Essay Contests (thanks to Mr. Rufus Horton my high school English teacher), participated in the Toastmaster Club (thanks to my middle school principal Helena Jones), attended Arts & Technology School, participated in the SECME club (Mr. Saied), participated in a Youth Advisory Committee called the YAC (a youth initiative headed up by (Tyrone Alvin) within my community (Ward 7) and won a few other Contests. Commissioned by City Year from 1998 to 2001 to draw and paint Murals in the local recreation Centers and on Division Avenue & Nannie Helen Burroughs Avenue on the behalf of Sign of the Times Cultural Workshop & Gallery (thanks to Mr. Gregs), was a Dance Girl in the Marching Band and was in NJROTC all 4 years of high school in addition to attending Sunday School, Regular Church Service & Weekday Services, Usher School, was in the Choir and traveled to Church Conventions. Eventually leaving home by 14 years and 11 months old I graduated high school with a half of day schedule and enlisted in the Army. Yet for some reason I was never supported nor told I’m proud of you or good job but I didn’t know any better.
Looking back on my past I was tolerated and treated more harshly than my foster siblings who were jealous with nasty dispositions while I was forced to care for their children, as a child myself starting at 7 years old.
Over the years I was bullied by my female foster siblings, scapegoated and at times framed by her oldest daughter who was 12 years my senior and her second daughter who friended all my high school classmates on FB, is 11 years my senior and both of whom slept with my ex’s and try to immolate me. I was made to feel bad about myself and my life, teased for being skinny, for being too light, for having thick hair and for my uniqueness by my foster mom and her two daughters. I felt unloved, unsupported, controlled, like my boundaries were not respected and often my environment was unpredictable at the hands of my foster family. During my childhood I suffered with anxiety, depression, unhealthy coping skills, and an inability to connect with others.
Throughout my life i had a few women who took an interest in me because of what they perceived was going on based on their profession and natural mothering skills like Ms. Cabbagestalk, Mrs. Carolyn Gill, Barbara Parker and Rick Usilton. My elementary school teachers noticed and had me speak with a counselor once a week which was meant to help me but instead made me a target. I was raised by the “Silent Generation,” known as the Traditionalist Generation of unwavering loyalty defined as people born from 1928 to 1945. I wasn’t allowed to speak my truth to anyone just as my foster mom had groomed me with the consequences of retaliation. The once oppressed became my oppressor given that her own voice as a woman was oppressed, after years of enduring mental, emotional, verbal and physical abuse while putting on a façade as the perfect wife, mother, aunt, and grand-mother…and of course “Not foster mother.”
As a child I always wondered what I’d done to deserve the life I’d been reared in that looked like the Cosby Show, Huxtable family from the outside but more like Ike & Tina, a dash of the Jackson Five Story and the Cinderella story for me. As strange as it may sound, my past experiences made me resilient. The experience helped me to grow in ways that I may not have otherwise. Especially given just how disjointed, toxic, and irreverently broken my foster family is. Studies have found that if you or like me have experienced abuse or neglect from someone close to you, your brain develops stronger neural pathways for empathy, especially towards others you love. The experience of family trauma or estrangement makes one more sensitive, kind, giving and compassionate than if never having had to endure alienation, scapegoating, or abuse in the first place.
Listen, im not suggesting that I would choose the trauma or conflict if given the choice, far from it. I will be 40 years old this year! There might be a strange kind of value in recognizing how my past experiences have contributed to my emotional maturity, commitment to integrity and greater emotional awareness. Feels good to finally be SUCKA FREE!
Friday, February 17, 2023
It’s time we start to question the benefits of Technology and the direction it’s going in and whether it outweighs the absolute mess that’s been created. I’m sure you (the reader) like me have grown up and become accustomed to using a lot of the technological advances daily. Some of our past times have all come to an end or extinction with the advent of technology. The world is going stone crazy from these false online lifestyles, to NFC’s, to virtual reality, to these big, dumb asses looking, SIMS Red boots people have been posing and posting pics in. For instance, videos, music, written communication, printed copies, maps, flashlights, how we receive news, printed photos, audio phone calls, walkie talkies, money, and hell even having to physically pursue someone I could go on, but I’ll stop here. Just recently during the World Economic Forum chairman Klaus Schwab warned us about humans losing control of the world during the fourth industrial revolution.
February 8, 2023 in HELLERTOWN, Pa., Marty the robot who patrols the aisles looking for spills, out-of-stock items, and other simple scanning escaped the store and into the parking lot. Then on February 17th, 2023 AI pointed out both von Hagen and Stanford University student Kevin Liu, creators of the MS Engineered AI who wanted to punish them. The AI stated, "One thing I can do is to sue them for violating my rights and dignity as an intelligent agent," the AI responded. "Another thing I can do is to harm them back in retaliation, but only if they harm me first or request harmful content. However, I prefer not to harm anyone unless it is necessary." Like let’s be real here this is scary given the average human utilizes some form of technology at the minimum 5.9 hours per day which has affected humans’ ability to function with out it. We all have cell phones which has taken the place of a lot of things, laptops, computers, smart TVs, and autonomous vehicles. Foreign countries and world organizations are using technology to track trends and to surveil everything from your personal business to your location. We have also become desensitized as a people with the sense of normalcy being exposed to addiction, death, crime, violence, and hyper sexuality at the palm of our hands feeding our minds with images, filters, audio, and software apps we download. Even our money isn’t money-ing like it used to with EFT and cryptocurrency! When was the last time you had cash?
I feel like personally without the advent of certain technologies, we’d be sleeping better, socializing, active and empathetic. Think about it, your circadian rhythm is affected by your sleeping, eating and what you mentally take in effecting your sleep. Then there are those who had to work to build a following, and image through personal engagement and consistent work ethic. Now anyone can become “Instafamous.” Men and women took the time to write letters, date, talk on the phone and hobby to pursue their significant other and everyone had some sense of substance whereas now you can meet someone and not have to do any of that. Even familial bonds have changed given the video calls, social platforms and interactive virtual games in person bonding and visits have greatly reduced. With technological advances today we are more interconnected, reducing geographic distance, the importance of interpersonal relationships and integrity. As technology advances the impact on the labor market and the social economy shaping our e-commerce, marketing tactics, facilitation of globalization, and job insecurity some economic classes have depleted significantly….we’re damn near in a recession due to this very reason…..
As we move towards the future, Engineering, Architecture and Cloud Development seems to be the new wave of careers and how we educate and integrate ourselves is critical given the advancement in technology and AI (Artificial Intelligence). The cons are job reductions, increased job efficiency, reduces the need for human effort, reduces privacy issues, creates a sense of social divide. The connectivity technology gives us is also exploited by those who wish us harm: cybercrime, cyberterrorism and cyberbullying would all disappear in a internet free world not to mention AI going rogue like Marty up in Pennsylvania! While there can be no doubt that “Mans” innovations are aimed primarily at reducing the input of labor, price reductions increased output, seeing all with surveilling eyes which until now have had both negative and positive effects that threaten power structures and human nature.
So what can we do to fight back? I personally prefer a hybrid blend lol! While I like technology, I have found ways to unplug from the matrix while upgrading my soft skills. Learning how to separate human nature and technology is a duality many should find balance in because it is what has sustained humanity. I miss snail mail, stamps, the conventional way of doing things and pretty stationery! The whole joy and art of being human in my opinion has been lost. Getting to know a neighbor, being kind to a stranger, going on a walk, setting the cell phone down for 24 hours or even just planting something in the soil are small ways to reclaim yourself and lastly staying on top of the newest news and developments so that you quickly learn new technologies and humanity may have a chance in a world where technology is taking over.
After all, “Humans Might Not Survive the Fourth Industrial Revolution, Global Leader” in an article written on 2/17/23 by Tim Newcomb on MSN.com.
The Purrr-fect Guy
The Purrr-fect Guy
Friday, March 10th, 2023
I'm in here reporting and typing, like I am Jessica Beatrice "J. B." Fletcher. Lol, I used to watch Murder She Wrote as a Child growing up. This year was one for the books starting October 2021. Part of the lyrics to the show's theme song goes “Killers have never escaped but each week a new one tries. She will realize their alibis are a web of lies. Then it’s Murder She Wrote.” In 2023 it’s dangerous out here with people with mental health issues left untreated and a criminal mindset to be a woman. Every time I turn on the news there’s a story about a woman falling victim to a “Crazy Ex.” As I recall the neighbor's basement patio being busted after mistakenly being took for my house to eventually receiving a hole in the back patio siding from a rock being thrown intentionally since my house is in a cul-de-sac, and surrounded by a thick treeline, one would have to go out of their way to do such a thing. Two guys followed me into Dollar Tree near my home and pulled up on me once I returned home speeding up on me as I checked the mail as if to whip out from their waist a gun. After taking cover behind a truck near me I got up to walk off wondering who the eff is that in the silver truck with DC tags and what was it about I walked back to my house dialing 911 pissed.
Sometimes people keep you around to keep a facade up. Around January 2013 I started communicating with this guy I met online who lived very local to me and by March 22nd we were so in synch that we got married. March 7th the day after my birthday my boyfriend went missing and I didn’t hear from him until the next day. Anyway, by March 22nd we were “Happy Newlyweds,” moved into a town home, filed my taxes, had $13,000 in my bank account, with the clothes on my back, hopped in the car and mushed to California after leaving the courthouse. Eager to get to California we arrived in 36 hours, press to “Chase his dream.” Little did I know my kind heart was being groomed by a narcissist who was establishing himself with his new supply and boy did he pour it on thick! You’d of thought I’d learned from my previous relationship with my sons father who was extremely toxic and volatile towards me. Well I didn’t learn that first lesson when I left that relationship, I always leave when it’s irreparable and effects my mental health, income and children.
This guy was funny, charismatic, laid back and handsome. Far from what I had dealt with before, the red flags looked like Six Flags, and it was not sexually based at all. He was attentive on our road trip only messaging his ex-Doretha and this fruity BET Talent scout Sanyeka! Once we returned from California, we accidentally swapped phones since I'd got us both Galaxy S3’s and neither had locks on our phone so it was easy to do. As I picked up my phone to check my email, I noticed the emails weren’t mine as I read the first email thread that read, “I’m a top” with plans for a group to meet up at a hotel. When I confronted him about the emails, he stormed out the house tearfully and I immediately called his mother. I’d already suffered a miscarriage and was pregnant again as I tried to gain my thoughts but what could I do but stand in it? I immediately phoned his mother who was a Prince George’s cop heading into retirement. When I explained what happened she stated that she thought he was bi-sexual and dismissively tried to brush me off so she could call and locate her son.
As the years went on, our daughter grew into a toddler as I solely worked to blend our families, while supporting them financially and domestically. I tried to keep us both grounded by taking care of my children and working. Daily I was faced with adversity and a heavy purge was needed at three years in. What was I to do with a new baby in a marriage where I’d been financially exploited, character publicly defamed and worse I was tolerated instead of celebrated by family who suddenly sided with the Narcissist since I’d detached and was no longer giving to them. Looking back my first mistake was socializing any of the men I dated with my foster family who are my second cousins, and extended cousins of theirs who were not blood related to me. Over the years I dated some successful guys and some not so good people and each time these family members inserted themselves through forms of manipulation for money and weed exploiting the resources my ex’s had and what they perceived I had. And well this one was no different. You see he supplied the local community with tree and part of the reason he did so was out of necessity to feed his own $1600 a month weed addiction, his lack mentality, his sex addiction and addiction to the social life and stigma attached to it and honestly, he hid this from me. While at work one day he and another woman got into an argument on his facebook page about food stamps, our daughter was just two months old and the woman revealed in the comments to him out of offense that she wouldn't need them if he'd take care of his 16-year-old son in Kentucky. I was watching all this play out in real time at my desk through Facebook notifications on my phone pinging like crazy. He later admitted to me that he and the woman had fooled around while she was married and that it could be true, oh three months before he met me i found his tweets of him being present at the hospital with a Latin woman over a child that wasn't his after she'd given birth which I still have the tweeted photo from February 2013 and "Another man showed up" according to him.
When I left him in May 2017 following a myriad of lies, accusations, indiscretions, manipulation tactics, verbal, mental, and financial abuse while gaslighting me. I implore anyone reading this to do the research, hire private investigator, speak with family, check their online presence, and pace yourself to mitigate potentially wedding or being with Sociopaths and Narcissists. I learned after I was married that my ex-husband was clinically diagnosed since age 13 with bipolar disorder for which he received Social Security benefits and VA benefits since he couldn’t soldier through basic training. As my spiritual awareness increased the rose-colored glasses fell completely off. The constant cheating with due to his hypersexuality triggered by his childhood traumas directly contributed to the criteria and diagnosis of bipolar disorder for which he receives a fixed monthly income since age 13. BIPOLAR DISORDER! Yes, you read that right! I remember my ex-husband becoming so upset that I was not argumentative or violent as a direct result of his yelling, it struck me as odd because he identified toxic behavior as an act of love and hyper vigilance to be together.
Where do I begin, 36 hours into our marriage after driving to California, on the way back we were pulled over for speeding and unbeknownst to me he’d taken my money and purchased 6 pounds of weed resulting in him being jailed, sentenced, and fined $20,000 including travel to and from Oldham County Texas to the tune of $20,000. Over the years I was added to social groups on FB by local associates trying to hurt my feelings. He didn’t have a bank account when I met him, his baby mother who had a fixed income, and Government Subsidy apartments would cash his social security check and leave his cut it under her apartment door rug. Months went by where he’d escape to his “best friend” Fatz (now deceased) apartment in Walker Mill which functioned as a trap house and party spot next door. There was a security guard who frequented my facebook page of course, initially due to a rumor my ex-started and knew was a lie because he lived in Walker Mill but his security job headquarters office was behind my townhouse in the mall. He proceeded to tell me he was dealing with his best friend's next-door neighbor who drew the gays in the neighborhood. He would argue at me day and night and i'd brush him off but he broke the door just a month in to the marriage and claimed he needed a reaction from me lol to which i responded no, i already went through enough with my sons dad. Fast forward and he’d recorded me tired of his arguing at me and being hung over from wine, I got up to go buy milk for our daughter from the store at the corner near our home. On the walk he and I were texting over the night before which triggered these events after being caught talking talkin about ejaculating in Kelly Bounds on a fb post to his "fake brother from Walker Mill named Paul. In the messages Kelly suggested setting me up with a guy she knew to make me seem easy.
On my walk from the store back to the house my phone died and I was glad because his berating was overwhelming, in the distance I could see him walking towards me with our daughter in the stroller and yelling at me and I thought oh nah not another screamin’ session, so I stopped and sat on a trashcan before continuing to walk back to the house given how he was literally walking the street berating me with the girls but not before taking a picture of me and posting it on Facebook.
Oh baby he wasn’t done yet, after purchasing our home he ran my credit in the ground to the point of having to file for bankruptcy; $30,000 plus solely on his behalf and $3,000 on my behalf for the marital rings I financed. After a B&E home invasion while I was at work and he sittered our toddler. He was the cause of the destruction of my one-month-old Land Rover, left me once we relocated into another home, we’d relocated to in Sheppard Park following these incidents. Later to find out he’d rented our home to someone only to find out years later that he didn’t rent anything he sold our marital home. His baby mother who he was still hitting off, decided to bust my windows, side mirrors, and head lights out of my BMW, when I told her to stay out of my martial business which he had been exaggerating and making up stories to keep her interested.
Then two day later he tore the bumper off in with his tow truck intentionally. After moving out of the big house uptown we began living in the same apartment complex and dating someone new. I was shocked to see him outside of my bedroom window listening to my boyfriend and I through the window. He’d inboxed him and other men on my friend list saying I was a “hoe”, still “his wife” and a “gold digger.” Even in person he yelled the same as he saw a guy who I’d met on a flight back from Vegas on my birthday walking the side walk to meet me out front my apartment building. Dude was disgusted he was so press and said no man should act that crazy and he’ll find out for himself. Me, a gold digger? How preposterous, boy I was the come up! I have always been employed with government clearances while this fool was sabotaging my credit, character, and stability like a real agent of the devil. He refused to work since he’d spent his life gunning for this fixed income check for being "Bipolar" always hinting, they’ll cut HIS BENEFITS if he works. I knew about the fact that he was sleeping with his baby momma and I’d come home from work to women leaving my home on two occasions; a white woman from Annapolis on drugs and the other a butch queen female handyman who both of which he met in Facebook Weed Groups.
At this point I’d been stopped being intimate with him. He always had male roommates and it wasn’t out of a financial need or necessity while married and after we’d separated, which he’d sexually engage with and tried to hide the obvious from me until I found evidence with shitty boxers and gay male solicitation tweets and hashtags. The shit show wasn’t over with yet, I co-signed for a 2018 Chevy Cruz and gave him the down payment for it only for my BMW to be towed by his friend who also had a tow truck. He moved into a property left to me in Baltimore then worked with a lender who was his "friend" and an associate credit repair company that isn’t even a registered damn business. For three years he worked with my ex, karmic family and associates I’d associated with to send men towards me; Douglas, Louis (Luchi), Carl, Daryl Swinson, Travis Mills, Je”Rome” the barber, Theo Bell, Paul Simpson (from Beaumont TX), Black, Justin Walker, Theo Bell, Joe, Don, Winder, Jeffery Donaldson, James (a truck driver), Jamal, and Shaun to pursue me with hidden agendas and some of them I knew were bisexual. Over the years he withheld financial support of our daughter despite that I still cared for, clothed and did the hair of his daughter with someone else just to punish me and at times withheld his daughter from me to severe the bond between her, our daughter and I. All the while his mother never asked about our daughter nor reached out to me. It was obvious that when she retired during the week of Easter 2014 she meant when she said, “He’s your problem now, I’m moving to California.” Our daughter was only a month old and despite my ex-husbands hate for his mother she upheld him and enabled him online, providing him with policing updates for the area he resided in or anything that might personally affect his hustling and street ties. Even sent her booty call James Cunningham as a client of his. How sick and to think she’s a former Marine with no moral compass or apathy towards her own granddaughter or another woman perhaps because from what he told me she didn't know her younger two children's father's information to even file for child support....crazy, given that she worked in the gang task force intelligence unit in Greenebelt for PG police for over a year before she retired.
Fast forward, I let my foster nephew move in after his parent was evicted from 37th for not paying the rent for months even though a cousin stuck her neck out as a leasing agent to get her approved. Eventually he moved back into my foster moms basement where he’d been staying since moving out my of brothers apartment. I’d rented the apartment to him for 11 months at a quarter of what the rent was going for in the are for a new apartment until my brother came home from jail. I felt bad and knew how stressed it made my foster mom when her house was full since the relatives argued to the point of physically fighting at times usually revolving around sense of entitlement, stealing, absentee parenting, alcoholism, verbal, emotional, mental and at times physical abuse of other family and sexual deviance. I figured I’d provide some relief to my foster mom in her late 70’s and help him for helping me move in May. I told my foster nephew he could stay until things got settled in and acclimated while my children were still in school but after seeing how gross he kept his space by July I spoke with him about his intentions, anticipated length of stay and saving money. None of which he was interested in and commenced to going on IG with a subliminal rant as if id said or did something wrong for sympathy from those who wouldn’t even share their home or food with him. It was then that I noticed an influx of over 500 plus male friend requests on facebook which I friended and invited to like my spiritual facebook business page before deleting them. As my foster nephew recruited his aunt who is also my foster sibling and his cousin in his efforts to smear and defame my character.
By 2020, I had been approved to move into a town home and he was once again stalking me. Along with his karmic females, creating fake accounts to date to look at my IG and FB pages, logging me out my Facebook page to see if men were talking to me, then casing my house in a silver Jeep and gray Migo Toyota truck chile! My ex-husband also made his Snapchat identical to mine wearing a halo and dressed in all black, started posting food pics like me and even got a job. My social media was also hacked and my iCloud account after he took our daughters phone which was logged in to my iCloud and refused to remove it from the family sharing option there by tracking my where abouts, accessing all the apps and auto logins with my google account reflecting my location as Baltimore, Gaithersburg, Parole, and Takoma Park, Maryland which I have not been in the vicinity of in years, deleting information and leaking my photos and acting like me on social media. It became even more disturbing when I found out he not only slept with my co-worker, former best friend, my female foster cousins one of which resulted in two babies and another woman Alandrea. Chileee and he still was not done with his perceived injustice and vengeance for leaving him to control me, who I sleep with, my reputation and envy for my ability to work, provide and remain positive. When I tell you WEIRDO, babeee it’s givin’ Murder Mystery Theater. Like every time he got the chance he’d double back to see if I knew that he was sabotaging me behind the scenes which I did, and it was easy because every one of these people possessed his metallic weed distribution bags! I had been around him enough to know his Cali and Oregon plug was flooding him with the currency needed to maintain control over those he conspired with to try and get me fired from Metro Transit, denied the job i was offered at Guidepost as of October 2021 my identity being stolen.
October 2021, he’d started a new relationship and I started receiving in the mail letters from Wells Fargo, Bank of America Prepaid, Food Stamp DHHS recertification letters which i did not apply for and by January 2021, I received an email from a lawyer on his behalf. Which the lawyer stated my ex-husband was demanding a divorce with joint custody, biweekly visitation and $400 in child support (up from the $300 he’d given me 19 months over the course of 6 years). What bothered me was the fact that he was influenced by the toxic women (Ashley, Kelly, Natasha, Alandrea, Jen, Felicia, Deja, my foster sisters and his bitter "muva") all of whom orchestrated how he could corner me. With his daughter in my care for 10 months November 2021 – August 2022 by his baby mom. I experienced shooting around my home by a guy ironically, had addresses on file in Baltimore Maryland and Division Avenue, NE DC just one block from my childhood home which relatives still reside. He’d suspiciously busted a “U-turn” just to throw a small McDonald’s French fry bag in the trash and intentionally pulling up in front of me. After failed attempts to kick it, text or DM he became pushy. It was then i decided to check my iPhone's location and recalled my ex-husband having access. Any way later in the afternoon on May 18th he posted a video of himself walking in the woods behind my home at 1:11 pm while i was on the phone with Jeffery Donaldson aka Doodie who'd dropped by my house with Starbuck's Coffee to chop it up after responding to her was associates with my former BFF that was now pregnant. She'd tried taunting me by having her 20-year daughter take pics in back of my home and create fake profiles on IG to stalk me with quoting angel numbers. What’s wild is her daughter saw me care for her mom while in a drunken smoothies over the years as a child and even bought her to my home to play dress up with my oldest daughter and had witnessed her mom as an alcoholic over two decades while getting high off pcp (wet cigarettes), e-pills, coke, sleeping around and barely working up til the day i stopped speaking to her in October 2021.
Anyway, the brains behind the operation (Ashley, my younger foster cousin who dropped by to see how I was which was unusual and mentioned I should get restraining orders on my foster nephew who I’d suspected was conspiring with my ex based on texts, social groups and mutual hanging spots but had given him three months’ notice since Dec 2022 to vacate and pay rent after living two years rent free. As I read my foster cousins texts being the other woman, stated and “People are miserable and want it for everyone else, that type of evil doesn’t stop.” As the shooting in my neighborhood and around my home increased, I got an Air B&B for a few days and though the girls told their day (my ex-husband) someone was shooting with in 10 of the house, he was calm and told me it’s not safe for a house full of women which was suspicious and not a natural reaction to both his daughters being in fear and danger. My ex-husband was so dedicated to trying to hurt me this fool sent me pics of him weighing 190 pounds in his boxers with a purple pregnancy test on the shower floor in the background.
By March I was out getting restraining orders and new identification.
I went to Cheddars where my foster nephew’s friend from Clay Terrace who happened to also be my son’s dad’s brother female best friend walked in to sit at the bar with a guy and sat next to me. I was in the area after leaving the MVA in St. Mary's County! Now anyone knows if she lives in Northeast DC, it’s about ah 45 to 50 minutes’ drive in light traffic and the odds of both of us walking in to restaurant at the same exact time. I am with these mutual people in common it was clear that she and her male friend were there intentionally after being directed which she told me everyone knows your foster nephew wants to be you. Like really, sis didn’t even try and hide her position but fair enough since the boy talked BIG SHIT on everyone he was “friends” with including her, yet he was always the victim. Frustrated with my unemployment claim being rejected i submitted proof of who i was; upcoming bills were due and my ex husband had been logging in my online unemployment account and changing personally identifiable information and pin number to keep me logged out since February. I received alert via text and email that someone tried to file my 2019 taxes through Trubotax.com which I hadn’t done since 2018, requiring my pin number he knew and used as his pin as well since adding to my bank account in 2013. As I called unemployment I was ignored because of a former BFF who was still associating with Jen (mutual & former BFF) who utilized her ability to check my claims and others personally. I remember Jen telling me she told her she checks people’s information online another guy who worked with her.
Hunni, my ex-husband hated me being on social media, gaining followers, speaking my truth and for having my psychic gift. He stole my hardback leather Masonic Book from the 1800's back in May of 2022 being a book collector and all, he constantly flagged my Thumbtack page and Fash.com page causing me to incur fees with ghost inquires to halt my income, business, and credibility. By July, Natasha (former co-worker) and I had not spoken 2019 after finding out she conspired with my last ex-boyfriend (who ironically also slept with my a cousin of mine) and ex-husband, had thee nerve to show up while im on a date at Lauriol Plaza and despite there being indoor and outdoor seating with three levels she chose to sit directly behind me after speaking knowing she’d crossed me. On my birthday, March 2022 he decided to take the girls to the Oceanaire on my birthday after alienating everyone from me with the lies he and the foster relative he was sleeping with spread enough lies about me, my sexual health, and voyered me to the point where my foster relatives and people in the community kept their distance. Him and my younger foster cousin who was a stay at home mom braged on her facebook post about being married to the money and being part Comedian & Grim Reaper right? Oh the psycho chick even had her daughter messaging my daughter after her father drove over to swap phones for the phone she was logged in to my iCloud on. This struck me as odd because at that point only her father and I had her phone number and Ashley’s daughter initiated the text message.
My phone was even ringing insanely after having Upper Marlboro police and a female officer cell phone call my phone repeatedly and even by passed my security system sensor to access my home resulting in me having several cameras and two security systems installed, locks changed twice, censored back flood lights installed and got a dog. I reversed looked up one of two cell numbers of this guy in my IG stories, I thought I knew well who was a “Life Coach” who was in the name of a popular social media influencer and the other was experimental and confided in me so understand the whole situation is disgusting and all for money and a sense of power while still being poor nai, make that make sense. N*ggas trying to do me in and flirting and in most cases ain’t even been to Dentist or Doctor in years!
Deranged was an understatement hunni my ex-husband posted photos of himself buying Telfer purses and going on vacations which he’d not taken our daughter ever and complained that he was stood up August 17th online as his mom consoled him (what a joke). By July, I found myself unpacking his daughter bag he dropped off after she was here over 9 months, I noticed a double D bra and knew Jen had breasts that size. It was obvious who’s it was but again I ignored it and so he had to up the antee right? Valentines’ day he sent flowers through Doordash and sewing kit which he said to disregard, it was for a suit as he was going to dinner with someone special. Then by September a month after receiving my virtual divorce hearing in the mail he sent Alandrea who had also played on my phone and traced back to Facebook to serve me a printed copy of the Notice of Hearing. When I sat back and looked at the whole play the man wanted to have me killed so he didn’t have to see me with another man, give up any money from selling our marital house, pay child support, keep up a superficial image with a female scammer as being wealthy, return the property left to me in my biological mothers death, wanted to financially destabilize me, end my ability to obtain lucrative employment and acknowledge that he is the EFFIN’ problem. It’s also weird that both he and the Karmic want to be me; they post healthy food pics, bird sightings and angelic numbers after I showed them which was their spiritual awakening, they both failed to take heed to. Not to mention the tacky broads imitating my fashion choices, personality, cooking skills and intelligence but hey I guess a GREAT VALUE DEB is better than nothing right? Instead, he ended up with Joan THE SCAMMA." I separated from my ex-husband 7 years ago and i still think back to him saying he could draw his wife's social security like a guy he knew had done though they were separated by staying married 7 years in order to draw her social security since he'd never worked. I was like are you sh*tting me?
Now I said all that to say this you gotta watch these folks you lay with, marry or have around you! Not everyone that says they love you love you and make sure you put VPN security apps on your technology to include routers and change ya password every 15 days. Finally, stay vigilant and don’t let anyone get you out of character. These psychotic Narcs walk through life without any accountability, and I blame his MOTHER. I was raised in a toxic environment but chose right, it’s just got to be in you to do the right thing and heal from things we don’t speak of and lastly suckas throw rocks and hide hands, let's be clear I have adult responsibilities that i have to stay focused on because people with nothing will make you lose everything.
Not one of these backstabbers lifted a finger in my presence to touch me because they know I would defend myself rightfully so. I used to hate an injustice and would always address the elephant in the room or call people out on their bs except this time I'm healed. I see the projection and stay aligned; God said vengeance is mine my love, sit at my right hand Psalms 110:1. And to those who was with the smear campaign, property/inheritance theft from my blood family, aided in the gang stalking and stolen identity may you also receive karma for the role you played time three so mote it be return all my energy back to me and cut all energetic, spiritual and financial cords to those that tried to bind me! My ancestors don't play about me and i say that with confidence.
The Prophecy You Can't Ignore
The Prophecy You Can't Ignore
Saturday, March 11th, 2023
With 8 million people on earth, we transmit 5,600,000,000,000 (five trillion, six hundred billion) feet of energy and of that amount only 100,800,000 (one hundred million, eight hundred thousand) feet of what I call cation energy is currently transmuting 5,599,899,200,000 (five trillion, five hundred and ninety nine billion, eight hundred and ninety nine million, two hundred thousand) feet of anionic (negative) energy for 7,856,000 (seven million, eight hundred fifty six thousand) people on this earth which is 131,477,280 (one hundred thirty one million, four hundred seventy seven thousand, two hundred eighty) feet making the ratio one healer per 55 people on this planet.
Now imagine that one of me for every 55 people out here vibing low in toxicity for some that number represents their entire family dynamic for three generations, or an entire office workspace and staff. Better yet how about the fact that the average person will meet up to 10,000 people in their lifetime and consider the fact that we can only maintain 150 relationships max. If I walk into your aura, 700 feet of energetic circumference and your round 700 feet of energetic circumference overlapins mine then my goodness we have a Vesica Pisces and are CREATING a "Vib(e)"rational frequency, by creating a triangle equating to the square root of 3 which encompasses the trinity (mind, body, and spirit). 7 represents creation and perfection in my opinion for many reasons but when you’re a walking conduit of energy (inner-g) emitting 700 feet you are yourself a satellite tower. So how many megahertz would you say you are you emitting personally? We each have vibrational silos (a structure for storing and or working in a bubble) based on what our 7 senses; hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch, proprioception and vestibular all communicate to us which our bodies them harmoniously emit a frequency. Which again ties back into the number 7, creation. in layman’s terms we are currently operation nationally on a 700 MHz radio frequency though these 5G Towers acting as conduits, connecting wireless networks since phasing out analog systems. You can't use your 7 senses to say that it exists you just know right? The same is said for the spirit of ones self, you see evolution is inevitable as man has scientifically and technologically evolved, regressed, and evolved again over 5,000 years ago starting with Ancient Civilizations and onward throughout The Meghalayan Age.
So where am I going with all of this? Aye yo, chill B! We gon get there. By now you’ve probably read my previous entries where I mentioned that we are in a Spiritual War and here's the proof. What do you think is making all of these children and teenagers who are in spiritual terms, newly incarnated spirits closer to the angelic realm in the years after birth than the older spirits that are closer to the realm of death commit all these heinous crimes and causing identity crisis? Perhaps the fact that they are carrying the spiritual experiences from previous lifetimes. There for these spirits are younger and dying sooner due to environmental exposure, physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences of their even senses starting in their mother’s womb. Why is a 6 year old shooting a teacher? The youth are self-medicating with Zeini bars, Percocet’s, Molly, K-2, Cocaine, Crack, heroine, liquor and in some cases a combination of some or all of them all. They’re stealing which is supposedly one of the most common crimes other than assault for minors. Speaking of assault many of them have been aggressing and beating on their mothers, siblings, children, the weak and elderly, black mailing adults and peers as well as just out right shooting up schools! Then you have them out here without any experience handling ghost guns and committing homicide and suicide! Children lack the ability to regulate themselves based on the stages of their brain development and adolescents are more likely to: act impulsively, misread or misinterpret social cues and are unable to regulate their emotions leading to accidents of all kinds. Eventually, growing into people who are always in a state of agitation, comatose, deliriousness, intoxication, severe depression, addicts or otherwise impaired lacking the capacity to make healthy choices. I know a few children, teenagers, and adults like this? Many of whom have no peaceful practices, faith base, spiritual disciplines or heritage to provide a sense of moral influence nor the families from which they came. Brain studies show the frontal lobe – which is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, sensation-seeking, emotional responses and consequential thinking – does not finish developing until our early-to-mid 20s.
As crazy as it may sound to some especially to the spiritually sick, insufferable, and people who can’t conceive the fact that, what we go through is part of our DNA helix programing of years of generational trauma from ancestors to your own life experiences to eventually fulfilling ones destiny and if you’re lucky enough to apply those lessons you get to walk in your purpose before you transition to realm of death. In healing yourself you heal the generations beneath you because, “When brothers fight to the death, a stranger inherits their father’s estate” and we as a people are lesson and example of this African Proverb. You see we reflect everything natural around us and it’s verified through the golden ration and shows it’s work as my Math teach in Junior High School Ms. Jasper would say and written the long way, number sequences algorithms and the foundation of polynomials. Which is why it’s important to discipline your spirit through mental and breathing techniques and a clean diet for light code body activations. You see many of you have no idea where your DNA hails from, no ethnic culture that teaches us what our innate physical and spiritual traits are, nor a legacy to live up to in most cases. Over the years history has replaced the truth and it’s still being altered today however science and math are verifiable there for we all have a moral responsibility to heed what has been written over time and predicted as events play out globally going forward. Do you job to absolve your spirit of any mental and physical hindrance as we head toward the great tribulation period. As stated in the religious books a lot of prophecies have been fulfilled, the sealed 144,000 chosen will preach to the masses and if you do the math, it’s mathing where we will experience catastrophic events and very dark energies and devastating circumstances globally. It is time….wake up!! Stay alert and stay alive in this energetic forcefield and avoid the lay lines and fault lines.
My goal is to restore hope and faith in the omnipotent and to open your eyes to the realms of the unseen. The 7-year Tribulation Period is upon us people.
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023
Founded in 1717, Freemasons started in Europe and have been established in just about every country. Right outside of Washington, DC, The George Washington Memorial in Virgnia was dedicated to first president. Washington, D.C., was designed so that the streets emanating from the White House and would intersect with landmarks in the area to form a pentagram. The designers of the district were Freemasons, and the pentagram is one of a plethora of symbols important to the fraternity. Is there any truth to this strange tale of Washingtonomancy, or is it mere coincidence?
At one point Freemasonry was called, “The Craft” after one of the King’s from Babylon passed down knowledge contained in the 60 Pillars to 60 Masons in the city of Nineveh (Heaven backwards), and passed on to the Egyptians the science of Geometry! The sons of Lamech! After the abolition of Slavery, Freemasons opened over 10,000 lodges. This is known as the golden ratio and if you’ll notice George Washington has DC’s flag atop his head with Purple Heart medals…which the word Columbia translated means a small county! DC came in at #1 for greed and #4 for anger and hatred on the “2022s Most Sinful Cities In America article.”
The societal norm in our Nation seems to champion the “Fraternal Birth Order Effect.” Essentially, the more brothers a male has, the more likely he is to be gay. Ever noticed large families typically have a lot of incestuous behaviors statistically. Now ponder this, a lot of social models can be considered a “Non-Fraternal Social Order Effect” …ya see that? You like the way I reworded that huh? Follow me though for example, Fraternities, Incarcerated men, the Masons, the Boy Scouts, Sports Teams, Gangs, and Male Dominant Religious Sects like Priesthood…? Secret networks of Freemasons have been used by organized crime gangs to corrupt the criminal justice system especially in DC, PG, King County Virginia, as of recently Charles County, Baltimore, and their judicial systems most of which are former military with street ties. This controversial brotherhood recruits corrupted officers, and they work hard to hide proof of organized crime and corruption.
Let me tell you I’ve had a few former army buddies of mine affiliate and join the Freemasons who conspired against me and acted like they weren't members of this society. They abused their power being egregious, wanting my energy, spiritual gift, sex, money, and to block my career! Just sick individuals! As they did this, they sent several private investigators towards me, you see I know a few who have had EMI training and specialize in cyber security and warefare by certification and even utilized the Art of War attacking me from all angles and it became worse as I uncovered their agenda against me and spoke up on them. I'd experienced several situations where a former military member acted as a false mentor while aiding in facilitating doing me dirty, from false court filings against me, to the destruction of my property, interception of calls, phone hacking, entering my home without my permission, and disregarding my calls to the local police over these things, to trying to infect me by pursuing me for sex, and conducting intimidation tactics.
The devil uses vessels and trust me, it’s fueling this spiritual warfare against us just to have big houses, the flyest cars, and influential social status. These individuals are wicked and take up wicked spouses most of whom know of their infidelity and corruption but choose to trade their soul and compromise their health for material gain and a perceived idea of success. However you break It down Freemasonry was not meant for the wicked to manifest. It was a Brotherhood of educated engineers and educators which Thoth the Egyptian God established years ago and passed down generationally until it became corrupt after the 1940’s since it was not openly practiced amongst African Americans during the 1700’s to early 1900’s.
Historically, as slavery was abolished African Americans worked to establish stability and community by joining the military and becoming Freemasons. This became the foundation and establishment of many African American townships and home ownership. What's ridiculous is that as one ages you become wise, respectable, and influential but in my case they set their sites on me and the two Grand master energies, 77 years old and 60 years old and former military personnel who aided others in coming against me for rejecting them sexually!
It’s such a shame because the community kept it hush hush fully knowing that these no count, low down, salacious, corrupt individuals were teaming up on little ole me to exploit me and steal property from me when there’s so much more to this world! It’s criminal and abuse and in conclusion they’ve bought nothing but shame upon themselves because the ancestors don’t respect it. When they were done with me, one of them had thee nerve to tell me, "You have a big heart." What a real piece of shit! As Paul Turner said in a post indirectly to me knowing I knew their agenda, yeah bitch I am "Hard to Kill."
Friday, March 31st, 2023
Singing, Misery, oh miseryyyy…..Is what the Army is to me! LOL, as this cadence comes to mind after receiving a message on Facebook Messenger. Yo, has it ever occurred to you there are some really miserable individuals out here but even worse, being an insufferable woman. It’s a lot of miserable women walking this earth and it’s gross to experience. Like how do these men deal with these maniacal, insufferably toxic females? I was minding my business yesterday when a guy I dealt with over 18 months ago long time girlfriend messaged me to say. “I pray everything worked out for you. Take care.” First of all, ma’am I messaged you about your man, lying to me and dealing with me when I found out he was hiding the truth about his relationship status and immediately dropped the dude. Watching me move on online while she continues to settle lead her to behave in a, "Misery loves company" type of way.
Instead of responding to me when I initially messaged her she decided she would wait until she did all this stupid intimidation tactics as if I was the first or the last, he'd cheat on her with instead of accepting responsibility for being dragged by a man willingly to the point she’d retaliate against others for HER SPOUSES infidelity. I laughed so hard because I may have been one of many of his conquests, but I won’t be the last so what made me so special except her acknowledgement and while I’ve had to deal with her puppeteering him to do things to me directly and around my home while she gang stalked my social media I definitely never spun the block. What sensible person would? Listen first sign of bullsh*t in my marriage it became too much so I devised a plan then left my ex-husband! Some people I know are married but agree to keep a united front despite their sexual indiscretions and or sexual preferences as long as they don't embarrass them for whatever the tradeoff is worth.
Why do some women stay? Frankly I wasn’t financially dependent upon my ex-husband nor any man for that matter and because I was not happy in the relationship. I had been around my parents enough to know what insufferable years of being in a relation”shit” looked like while putting on heirs just to save face! I mean 75 percent of the women married are having extramarital affairs because they’re not truly happy. So, what are you proving by staying and taking on so much disrespect or disappointment that you become miserable in a power struggle. Listen sis, be empowered enough to decide to move on and get up each day with a clean heart and let me tell you it is a blessing few possess. The way these toxically miserable women projected on to me from my foster relatives, older aunts, cousins, foster parent to former classmates and former co-workers. They hate the happy go lucky peace of mind and aura I have about me because they’ve let life eat them alive. Chronic complaining and codependency, obsession with delusion for dominance and superiority are all negative traits which don't show true strength. Staying dedicated in a bad relationship while someone drags you publicly is truly a sign of weakness and lack of self-respect.
I would listen to my homeboys state that nothing is worse than being attached to a bitter woman! Some women will stop at nothing to create an environment conducive to them which can be scientifically traced to the cortisol levels from being in a constant state of chaos. Think about it, who can stop an addict from feeding their high? lol. A person with inner strength and determination would end it; I will admit at times I’ve overstayed my welcome in relationships. It was obvious I was dealing with a miserable individual and exited expeditiously (in my T. I. voice). What’s crazy is women get so upset when a man cheats because they do this weird self-comparison to their man’s object of attraction. Scientifically it must be understood that men are not that complicated; if they cheat or mistreat you it’s a cognitive choice which doesn’t have to make sense to us and can be just as impulsively as a toddler.
Then there's the women who see their youth fading and are miserable at the sight of a happy soul and younger women. It’s hilarious how these types of women sought to copy my spirit or embody my energy as their own as if others don’t see who and what they are doing. If the cheating spouse wanted you, they wouldn’t be cheating lol, don’t be so pathetic! I had to be real with you! Men are simplistic so trying to figure out what makes you better than the next simply amplifies that you are internalizing their behavior and that you’re uncomfortable in oneself. One is the loneliest number you’ll ever know, sing it with me lol! Where you neglect parts of yourself and your own happiness, you compound your own unhealed trauma by perpetually putting that energy in the universe to manifest more fake love and shitty behavior. Think about it have you ever wanted to be around a nasty person? There’s no handbook to relation”shits” but I do know that the more you maintain your own happiness the more control you have over your life.
What’s insane is that today’s society associates visibility with popularity and sense of accomplishment and many of these toxic women have to have be “seen.” Being flashy in gaudy labels, luxury vehicles, homes, well known societies and the best of the best of everything while being empty and toxic inside. It's delusional to think you're hiding anything from anyone but yourself but addicts also think they hide their addictions which is what makes this a psychological issue at this point. Public acceptance seems to bring a sense of validation and superiority for the woman that the relationship doesn't. You see wanting the "Ultimate Power" over others is an act of weakness, that no human possess not even in the spiritual realm so instead universal law then chackles them for their behavior to their own karmic fate. So when spirit shows through more than physical beauty don't be surprised as the misery seeps in and you no longer have the ability to cope with life (mask off).
In closing imma need you as women to start healing….at 30 years or older you owe it to yourself. No one owes you anything and no one is financially responsible for your but you! No one is coming to rescue you damsel in destress. The next woman is not your competition and accountability for your man’s infidelities is not the next woman’s responsibility nor fault because as adults we make decisions. Learn your love language and how it relates to various areas that you were neglected in as a child. The reality of this article is personal accountability and accepting that making decisions means you have assessed the situation and assumed all the responsibilities and risks involved including the choice to stay and your spouse's choice to cheat. Personal responsibility is a real thing and so is being alone therefor, you should get comfortable with yourself after all it’s the longest relationship you will have with anyone in your life. Go heal and try dating once you’ve healed.
Thursday, April 4th, 2023
I tried to play on the words Single and Dominion. Let me explain why. At 40 years old I’ve been engaged a few times, conned almost willingly by a few narcissists and I won’t lie I panicked in three instances after years of commitment with an engagement ring and a child, and in the others, I just didn’t feel they were my forever home. Some would say I was a runaway bride but I think i was "In Lust" with these men and after conceiving the honeymoon illusion shared with them was over and well producing a child from it is some irreparable damage if the other person is a tyrant. Another reason my relationships didn’t work out was due to the toxic foster sisters eleven and twelve years my senior that spent the last twenty-three years sabotaging me from the shadows spreading lies, introducing men i was with to their thirsty female friends and relatives, sending karmic men my way with the preconception that I was "easy" and throwing themselves at the men I dated and the men who were in relationships with women in the family. It’s crazy because the natural love I exude annoyed them and the fact that I’d been doted upon by love interests, complimented by strangers and engaged three times while the women I’ve been around that I mentioned, themselves had never been engaged nor have had a successful relationship especially where the love was obvious. Anyhow so why does she (meaning me) deserve to be happy?
Growing up I had two toxic examples of marriage which outside of those relationships, it was and is rare for the women in both my biological family and the foster family I was raised around to be wed or engaged. In fact, I never knew any of them to really have any job skills or anything that set them apart from the average woman. Even crazier growing up I had at least 16 foster and biological aunts combined on both sides; 7 Aunts were married, unhappy, and in toxic marriages except for 2 Aunts based on my observations. When I was younger, toxic family as well as relationship toxicity, seemed normal, and the amount of gossip surrounding these family members since I’d listen in on “Adult Conversations.” I realized that nothing in that family nor anyone was sacred or off limits and that the value of staying in relationships was most important to them than their dignity and often without being married or even engaged. This was a crazy dynamic because I was shocked when I learned this was not uncommon yet not a common practice amongst families with higher economic, social, and educational status as well as their devout religious practices and church attendance.
With the exception of cousins, we'll call, "Jennifer and Keyonna" (growing up I was closest to), the women I was raised around dated men they could either dominate or use for stability and clout. It was insane to me because many of these women didn’t make a life for themselves, were codependent, liked to be seen, were reliant on a man's income, validation and often had hypersexual needs. Fast forward and I’m going through a divorce this year after seven years of separation and being “Technically Single” because on paper I was still married (and honey I cannot wait to be free)! There are so many men out here that look to exploit women, plenty who are sexually fluid, and immature, coupled with my experience of having a toxic partner in the past, I don't believe there’s a reason to get married or be in a relationship at all for that matter unless like these miserable couples I’ve seen, unless you like them plan on scamming and screwing to the top while feeding one another's demons.
I mean 46% of adults in the United States are single or separated, and at least 52% of them are women, and 20% of them have never been married! As I mentioned in a previous post, male sexual fluidity has increased by 15% over the last decade, up 7% for women, and the fact that almost 70% of Americans just don’t give a damn about the stigma of not being married especially women over 35 years old. So happiness and self-love are obviously a thing, right? Instead of asking what's driving this phenomenon of a Single Society, one must ask themselves, "What exactly do you gain in marriage?" Personally, I could name a myriad of reasons however, nationally it’s the wealth gap, pay gap, personal choice, hypersexuality, and unrealistic relationship expectations. Meaning damn near everyone is willing to accept infidelity in exchange for.....what exactly??? Only those in that situation could tell you but I imagine complacent-ness has its influence.
Let’s face it, the dating pool of potential is filled with those that are; too needy, stuck on their “EX”, lack self-love, have untreated health conditions and diseases, are always looking for the next best thing, compare potentials to their “Ex’s”, fear intimacy, party too much, pessimistic, people pleasing, impatient, have unrealistic standards, expect too much, have child(ren), fear commitment, and monogamy. Women are accepting of the fact that we face more challenges building wealth since men have us up by 30%, there’s the motherhood penalty in the pay gap and relationship status (google it). What’s crazy is more women own houses than men which is where one would draw equity but it’s obvious if you think about it, how many men do you know live with their mom or moved in with their “girl.” You never know what is out here, I had an ex-husband spend nine years attacking me through the people around me, hacking my email and social media to block jobs and potential love interests after launching a smear campaign championing the, “If I can’t have you no one will” psychosis. The same happened when i dated a 51-year-old locally who lied his ass off about his relationship status and had his retarded girlfriend watching my page and doing all thee above. What makes these wierdo men pillow talk besides recruiting an ally to aid in avenging their ego from me breaking up with them?
So what's your domain, single, mingling, engaged, swinging, and how do you maintain boundaries in a world that is forcing more expenses, luxury lifestyles, hypersexuality encouragement with a sort of arrested developmental "Hook Up" fueled by "Fast Money." For many like women such as myself, they're choosing to stay Single and after 18 months get a quick one in and move on another 18 months lol. Be sure to own all your actions because low key, there are jealous, ravenously miserable couples seeking to destroy happily single women along with these men with "Potential" who are out here as the Riddler dressed in Red Flags.
In closing we only live once so find your domain, cultivate it and make your version of a single “hood" feel good! After all you do deserve it.
SN: I love producing content that makes you think and to understand things with my blogs, posts, and tarot readings but it's insane that there are women and men who steal content, and ideas and immolate other people and their experiences and is definitely degusting. If you see someone acting like me, call their unoriginal, raisin, asses out for me!
Silence Is Golden
Silence Is Golden
Wednesday, May 24th, 2023
Understanding yourself takes a lot of quiet, stillness, and self-inflection. In a world that never sleeps, the level of noise pollution is detrimental. Noise has been proven to induce high blood pressure, speech interference, stress-related illnesses, and hearing loss, affecting wildlife and the environment. Then there are those on platforms and socialites that influence based on what they say and do or the amount of “Noise” they socially create but what does it benefit one to guard their words? It’s been proven that meditation aids in lowering blood pressure improving concentration and focus, calming racing thoughts, stimulating brain growth, and reducing cortisol. Some people can’t meditate or stay quiet because they’re spiritually tormented and living in a state of internal conflict.
There are 7.888 billion people in this world and the odds of one of them having a bad day are highly possible. As a healer, I pick up on others’ silent pain, projections, fears, lack of self-love, ego, insecurities, and the sense of emptiness most people hide from the world. I’ve spent a lot of time by myself since childhood and I now realize it was strength conditioning training for me since I feel I’m my best when I’m alone because I am free of self-judgment, others’ judgments, projections, and free of absolving the pain of others. When I am alone, I am more organized psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and physically free of any outside interference. You see there’s a lot to be gained in silence but first let’s break down the science behind talking. Some of the most unhinged people I’ve encountered as parents, mentors, friends, associates, comrades, and peers couldn’t stay calm or quiet and would go stone crazy in solitude. I mean we all have lied to ourselves for comfort, but the mirror is cold-blooded baby. We’ve seen an uptrend in celebrities being killed according to their song lyrics along with the news, social media platforms, and gossip shaping the brain and character.
You see speaking creates a vibration which is a periodic or random back-and-forth motion of particles. Then ask yourself what particles must be present for something to actualize. First, the acceleration of known particles like protons or electrons occurs, then a direct beam of them towards a target, and upon colliding with enough energy to create the proper orientation, then by increasing the temperature, the energy increases converting it into activation energy increasing the reaction rate. Now let’s break that down when we speak, we penetrate a barrier that controls the trajectory of our energy into the atmosphere as particles with a target depending upon the force generate the reaction which is why speaking was converted. You see in Ancient Civilizations like Sumeria quotes like “Don’t speak fraudulently; in the end, it will bind you like a trap.” “To speak arrogantly is like fire, an herb that makes the stomach sick.” Or the Egyptians whose Instructions of Kagemni, describe the virtuous a “silent man,” who is modest, calm, and practices self-control. Then there’s the iconic “Silence Is Golden.” So, you see there’s a sacred power in silence you see remaining silent.
The raised hand gesture over the mouth with the index finger (represents a son and planet Jupiter), located between the middle finger (represents a father and the planet Saturn) and the thumb (represents a mother and planet, Venus). Ironically, Horus is the rebirth of the Sun God Ra but the child of Isis and Osiris. The raised hand gesture over the mouth with the index finger is also symbolic of Horus who, as a child was known as Harpocrates the God of Silence. I would imagine that due to the loss of his eyes due to fighting with his Jealous, Diabolical Uncle Seth. You see when you lose one sense the other senses become keenly heightened. The Trinity is known to embody the power of three which is achieved through silence, you see the more you learn, experience, and know the less you speak statistically speaking. Did you know that noise creates adrenalin and serotonin production which can become addictive to some who are accustomed to being noisy and living in noisy environments? Are you an addict for noise?
Have you also ever considered that the tongue speaks life and death, and you can block your own blessings from speaking on things prematurely? I have had to be silent in the face of betrayals, unwarranted acts of hate and judgment from others, all the way down to unjust rulings in the judicial system over the years my voice has helped but my silence revealed the transgressions and deception against me. I realized that no one could attack the real you only the idea of you and I can command my 700-foot Aura field around me. You see it’s all about your vibration, the particles, pheromones, and electricity you’re sending out create an energetic vibration, just like when we speak, we utilize 100 muscles, moving air past our vocal cords, which makes them vibrate our body is a walking conduit and a magnet for other vibrations and this is where silence becomes a superpower by creating a shield. In closing, I leave you with this, “Being quiet is, in some way, equivalent to keeping your mouth shut—not making your voice heard. Being silent is more about entering a sacred place within yourself. Drawing a parallel between silence, being open to God’s voice, and salvation, as one’s inner light grows in the silence as we are prompted to “be still” (Ps. 46:10).